Dreams

I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately, (don't worry, I am not talking about the catchy Cranberries song) and now I can finally learn the meaning behind them.

I recently received a dream dictionary as a Christmas gift that will tell me what my dreams actually mean. Below are a couple of examples of some dreams that I have been having and kind of want to know if there are any meanings behind them.

The Clown Dream
I always have this dream that I'm in my room but it's pitch dark except this glowing blue light that surrounds my bed kinda, and I'm standing on top of it with a shovel in my hands. I also have this huge feeling of fear. I always bend down to look under my bed and right when I do that this head pops out and it's this messed up clown and bash it in the head with the shovel, but it never seems to die! When it comes out from under the bed the thing is wearing a blue jump suit, and has this really messed up face with this creepy broken smile. And I keep hitting it with the shovel and it never does anything. And I keep yelling for help because I know my parents are in the next room, but they can't hear me. Then the thing takes the shovel and starts hitting himself with it like it mocking me. And right when it gets in my face I jump awake. I never forget that dream, and the weird thing is that I'm not even scared of clowns.

The Zombie Dream
My neighbor, Kim, had turned into a zombie and it was my responsibility to protect my dog Scout. The events leading up to the main encounter are unclear but I recall chopping Kim's head off with an axe. When Scout asked (yes, my dog started to talk just like a human) if she was alright I replied that "she was sleeping". I then fled away from the rest of the zombies onto a school bus. There were several other people already seated; I assumed they were also survivors. I was wrong; they were vampires and I awoke moments prior to being attacked.

The Magical Sheep
I had a dream where a sheep was a certified hypnotist and convinced everyone that he was a magician... It was really weird... and that's pretty much all I remember..

I am going to look up all of this information and see what these dreams need to me. Hopefully it will be something interesting instead of something dull like me needing to stop drinking so much cranberry juice before I go to bed.

My Guide To Stardom

Since Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are moving to Dallas, I have a sure fire way to become famous within the next couple of weeks. This is what I am going to do and don't try to copy it because this process is trade marked and patent pending status.

I am going to run into Khloe Kardashian in a public place and ask for an autograph. She will then tell me that she will but only if I tell her a couple of places to eat around Dallas since she is new to the area. Annnddd Thheeennn

Once I give her great, detailed information, she will invite me to go to lunch with her and Lamar. Annndd Theennn

After lunch, she will introduce me to her family and will be drinking poolside on top of the W Hotel. Annnddd Thhennn

Ryan Seacrest will come over to talk to me while I am hanging out with some of Lamar's new Dallas Mavericks team mates and he will offer me my own show. Aannnddd Theennn

My show will be the most popular show on E! and my ratings will be much better than any other Kardashian show out there right now and they all become broke and no one will care about them anymore.

This entire theory, not matter how far fetch it seems, sounds pretty reasonable to me.

The ICE Experience

This past Saturday, Stephanie I went to the Gaylord Hotel in Grapevine to see the annual ICE Experience at the hotel. I have never been to the ICE Experience before, but I have always heard good things about it, so it was obvious that I was going to act like a 6 year old at this place.

If you don't know, the ICE Experience is a huge circus tent that is kept at a constant 9 degrees and holds over 2 millions pounds of ice sculptures are shown. This years theme was based off of Shrek The Halls TV Special when Shrek tries to plan the “perfect Christmas” for Fiona and the kids, his plans are disrupted by usual chaos and commotion.

Before the crowd was allowed in the tent, we had to watch a short history of how the ice statues were made and how long it took. You can read more about it here. Apparently the Gaylord hotel brought over a bunch of people from China to start carving the ICE statues in September. It was very amazing to see how much detail went into every statue.

As we entered the tent, Stephanie and I were issued full length parka jackets to help keep us warm in the beyond freezing tent atmosphere. Inside of the tent, they had every Shrek character you could think of, slides made completely out of ice, Shrek videos, and a ton of ice sculptors to take pictures of.

Once the Shrek portion of the ICE exhibit was done, the show ended with a large room decorated with a clear ice version of the nativity scene.

After the ICE exhibit, we walked around the hotel because the Gaylord had 1.5 million holiday lights that decorated the entire hotel, a 52-foot rotating Christmas tree, a life-sized Gingerbread House made out of actually gingerbread and candy, 12,000 ornaments, and Santa Claus himself. It was one of the best decorated places that I have ever seen.

Oh, I cant forget to mention the breakfast buffet we had before the ICE exhibit opened. We ate at the Riverwalk Cantina that actually had a small river flowing next the edge of the patio of the restaurant.

The breakfast buffet was awesome. They had all types of food like custom made omelette's, pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs benedict, all types of fruit, and any type of breakfast meals you can think of. And the only way to enjoy this meal is with some Mimosas and Bloody Mary's. It was a great way to start the day.

The Great Lunch War of 2011

There have been many great battles and wars in history, Gettysburg, WW I and II, Vietnam, and Desert Storm, but no one has been stuck in the type of trenches that I have been in for the past week.

I found myself alone on a battlefield surrounded by the charred carcasses of armored Mexican food trucks and other equipment, discarded pizza boxes and whataburger wrappers, and a dessert floor stained with what appears to be either spaghetti or strawberry sauce facing my ultimate enemy. Stephanie

To be honest, I can still hear the faint sound of ice cream trucks, some distance away, calling to me in the wind. It will haunt my dreams forever.

The day the war started began just like any other day. Birds were chirping, the air was clean, and people were nice and polite to each other. But that all would change on Wednesday, November 2, 2011.

The lunch war started when Stephanie began to received catered lunches at her new office from sales representatives of drug companies. She told me about it and I thought it would occur a couple times a month. I was wrong. This free lunch would occur 2 to 3 times a week, every week. I was immediately jealous.

My lunch either consisted of what I ate the night before, a sandwich with a fruit cup and some fig newtons, or, if I was lucky, a hamburger from the Asian diner in my office. It was clear from the start that I was on the losing end of this battle.

We fought for many weekdays from the hours of 11:30 am to 1:15 pm. Everyday I had to endure Stephanie's tales of delicious Babe's Chicken, tasty Black Eye Pea, and heavenly dishes from Olive Garden. I sulked as I ate my mediocre turkey sandwich.

Then one faithful day came, my luck started to change. As Stephanie was eating left overs, I was consuming the greatest meal ever: The steak: a ribeye; the whiskey: lagavulin 16; the lady sitting next me: the bitch. Specifically my ex co worker Bettie. She decided to drop by for unannounced visit from Hell.

As word spread to Stephanie that I started to gather some steam and win several days worth of the lunch war in a row, she became scared and frightened but vowed for me never to win again. Then she yelled "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE HIGHLANDER"

As I waited for Stephanie to attack me again with another free 5 start lunch, I found one of her previous victims with a note attached to his hand. This is what it said:

Its dangerous out here my love. The general has me and the boys stationed
outside of a 7-11 right now protecting the Slurpee's and what we think are hot
dogs. We are tired and scared. I'm not sure if we have enough Sushi rations for the evening. Morale is low. Tim Timberland lost his leg in a McRib explosion yesterday and one of us has to tell his wife Judith. She shant be happy to hear that news. My love, when a man is out here on the diabetic battlefield in dangerous surroundings, the only thing he can do is hold your 7 orders of 99 cent tacos from Jack In the Box close to his chest. And thoughts for my love for the all you can eat pancakes special at IHOP developed in my soul and they sustain me. Should I not make it back alive, tell the kids I died a winner at the Atomic Spicy Hot Wing Challenge in Fort Worth.

After reading that note, I hope I survive at least a couple more lunches before she wins.

Even more things I have discovered in Montreal

Waitresses do not like to be snapped at by 50 year old men

Waitresses will yell back at you

Old Quebec City is pretty damn awesome

Apparently I have a French Face

Gingers are a rarity in Quebec

American Kraft Cheese is made in Montreal

I can fall asleep anywhere

Plane rides home while hungover are horrible

More things I have discovered in Montreal

The name of some of their currency makes me giggle (example Looney and Tuney)

Family Guy in French also makes me giggle

If you go to Montreal, eat at a Jewish Deli named Shwartz's

Having random people sit at our table at Shwartz's and the becoming best friends with them

It becomes pitch black at 5 pm

The hotel gives out free cookies

Homeless people love cookies

Things I have discovered in Montreal........so far

Homeless people love to drink champagne bottle size of beer

They also love to concel thier beer with Target plastic shopping bags

The metro system is awesome

Montreal loves to showcase Santa Claus in wierd ways in Sex Shop Store Fronts

I can never look at Mrs Claus the same way again

Their beer is like moonshine

They sell poutine everywhere

Poutine is a dipping sauce

Mrs Claus loves poutine

30 degree weather is not cold here, apparently it is only cold to bitches

Blue Ball and Friends Thanksgiving

Its the Saturday after Thanksgiving which means its Friends Thanksgiving Day.

In this timeless tradition, we always start the day with a game of Blue Ball. Blue Ball is a game that we made up and has nothing to do with having a bad case of the Blue Balls.

It is kind of hard to describe the game because the rules are ridiculously awesome and hard to remember. It is basically like rugby where you try your best to knock the person down to stop then from scoring. It usually takes a couple of hours to play and everyone is pretty winded at the end. Last year I learned that it is not wise to drink red wine and eat pumpkin cheese cake for breakfast right before I played the game. I lasted to plays and then vomed all over the place.

After the game, it was time to go to Peter and Jess' house for the feast. Peter grilled a turkey while his wife Jess prepared deviled eggs and dip. Everyone who came brought some sort of dish and whatever they wanted to drink that day. I brought an awesome cupcake dessert that resembled a turkey when they were all put together.

We played washers, talked with everyone, and had fun playing with everyone's kids. I did learn that Juliette and Elizabeth, both 3, loved to be thrown in the air at an alarming height and I am a big stinky head.

After Peter and Jess' party was over, it was time to go to Stephanie's house to play some games and go to Vino's. I hope you read the post about Vino's because it had the exact same feeling to it and I am pretty sure that everyone was still there wearing the same clothes when I originally saw them.

Since it took forever to get service and even longer to get our drinks, a change of venue was in the works. And that venue would be the M Lounge, a karaoke loving place that has steep stairs that will make any fall down to the ground while onlookers laughed.

Several drinks and tons of horrible songs later, it was time to call it a night and try to prepare our livers.

Black Friday

I am proud to say that I have never once participated in any Black Friday event ever in my life. But that all came to a screeching halt once Stephanie introduced me to this epic day of savings.

The first store we went to was Jo Anne's, a hobby and craft store. The line here was insanely long because if you everything was 60% off and if you made your purchase before noon, you would get an additional 25% off your total purchase. You could tell that everyone want to make their purchase before noon and was more than happy to state their feelings in a very public way.
We left the store with Christmas wrapping paper, ribbons, boxes, and tape. We saved a bunch of money too.

The next stop of the Madness Savings Day was Toys R Us. I would like to say that I acted like a gentleman and adult the whole time I was there. Again, I would like to say that. If you put me anywhere near toys, there is a 99% chance that I am going to play with it. Stephanie had to stop me on more than one occasion to tell me to stop playing with the toys. Apparently it is against store policy to take a toy out of its package, play with it, and try to put it back neatly in its original condition. We left this store with a couple of board games that I cant wait to play with.

The next couple of stores we went to were mainly for Stephanie. The expedition consisted of going to get make up (again for Stephanie), shoes, and tools. And then, we went to the mall.

I didn't think the crowds were going to be that bad because we started at 11 am and the majority of the crazy Black Friday Shoppers were already home telling stories of their great deals and near fights they got into over a Tickle Me Elmo toy. I was completely wrong.

Finding a place to park was a chore in itself. I saw a accident occur, tons of cars going after the same spot, and people driving around aimlessly to figure out how to leave the parking lot. Once inside, I could tell that it was a madhouse just a few hours earlier. Clothes were all over the place, coupons and ads were thrown everywhere like confetti, and I was scared.

To be honest, we weren't their that long at all, maybe 45 minutes. Stephanie did shop like a champ though. She found some good deals for some Christmas gifts.

After all of the shopping, it was time for lunch at Pappadeaux's. We got some lobster bisque and alligator tail with some drinks. Now, I am not one for themed drinks. I usually get a beer, liquor, and whatever mixed drink goes with the type of restaurant I am at (like Margaritas at a Mexican restaurant).

The people at Pappadeaux's were offering new fruit drinks. Stephanie had a fruit margarita while I had something along the lines of a very berry rum punch drink. And damn it, it was delicious as hell. We had a couple rounds each with our meal and decided that was enough day drinking since I was taking my awesome almost 2 year old nephew Caleb to the parade and Stephanie was going to visit her friend Karen who came in from Arizona for Thanksgiving.

I am glad Stephanie showed me the ropes of Black Friday and I survived the experience and tell you about it in this mediocre post.

A Very Muppet Thanksgiving

Its that time of year again when we sit around a table, over eat on many different types of delicious food, and then hang out with the Muppets.

As usual, my family and I went to The Keg for Thanksgiving Dinner right after watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and the low brow Turkey Day Tirade with Jerry Springer. Nothing too exciting happened at dinner like an 80 year old woman inviting over to her house for a night cap of ensure.

After dinner was the fun part though because it was time to play to music, it was time to light the lights and it was time to watch the new Muppets movie with Stephanie.

The movie was hilarious and I am pretty sure that we were the only ones laughing at almost every part of the movie. The movie reminded me of being a kid and watching all of the Muppets while wearing my horrendous Alvin and the Chipmunks pajamas.

Now I would like to play a game with you. You are going to read to story below and try to figure out if this is a true story or not. Whoever gives me the correct answer first will win something pretty damn awesome. Here we go.....


This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!

Not Fancy Enough For McDonald's But Too Fancy For Vino's.....An Adventure Into Obesity (vol. 3)

After all of the heart clogging dipping sauces, life-changing McRibs, watching kids run into doors, it was time to go to Vino's.

I have never been to Vino's before, but I did hear one of the best descriptions of this particular establishment: "If you have ever felt depressed, ugly, fat, gross, and your life has gone nowhere, then go to Vino's and you will feel great in now time". When I heard this statement, I thought it was just an exaggeration and couldn't be that bad. I was wrong.

When the Condiment Kid and I first saw Vino's, we were excited because we thought it would be some sort of wine bar just based off of the name of the restaurant. We knew we were wrong because the was a sign advertising that Wednesday was "All You Can Eat Spaghetti Day" for only $5 a person, obviously that is too good of a deal to pass up on.

As we walked in, The Condiment Kid and I knew this was not a wine bar at all by being greeted with a full view of slot machines, pool tables, and a drunk guy tucked into the corner by himself. She started to laugh because Vino's quickly resembled a place where people would go if they really wanted to get some sort of hepatitis.

It was also clear that The Condiment Kid and I were completely overdressed for this establishment. Apparently, wearing a tie to this place will get you strange looks and slow service on drinks. In order to resemble a regular, I should have worn either my best John Deer t-shirt or whatever fast food uniform I had at the time.

Another aspect of the bar that made it even more memorable was that fact that every night was karaoke night (with the exception of Saturday because that is Country Line Dancing Night with Rawstin). And since Vino's knows that everyone loves to sing covers of people songs in a horrible rendition, that karaoke portion is open to all ages. Its is great to see a 12 year old leave her mom at the bar top area and sing as many Taylor Swift songs that she knew.

Since The Condiment Kid and I originally came there for the wine, she asked the waitress what type of wine was available and the waitress quickly responded by saying "White and Red". She said that she preferred White Wine and the waitress, also know as Mom, poured us a glass each and didn't see her until some time later when she brought out the "good" wine, and yes, the "good" wine was in fact the infamous boxed wine.

Also, Vino's is great for people watching. I think that it is great that I finally know where all of the people form the People Of Walmart website go to drink. I saw a guy in a Chicken Express sweatshirt drinking a ton of Smirnoff Ice curled up in a ball on chair by himself, a drunk guy dancing to when there wasn't any music playing and sitting while there was, a couple of truckers talking about road life, and an 80 year old grandma trying to win it big at the slot machines.

After a couple of hours and several glasses of wine later, it was time to call it a night. We didn't realize how smokey it was inside of the bar until we got into our car. I smelled like a 1990s Robert Downey Jr while she smelled like a 1990s Christian Slater.

It was a great night trying different types of food while clogging the hell our of my arteries and breathing in a weeks worth of smoke in the span of a few hours at a dive bar that is open to all ages. I cant wait to do it again next week.

Not Fancy Enough For McDonald's But Too Fancy For Vino's.....An Adventure Into Obesity (vol. 2)

After The Condiment Kid and I left what has to be the fanciest McDonald's ever with a different view of how awesome the McRib is, our next desitnation was Chick-Fila and try something called Honeynesiannaise sauce.

Honeynesiannaise is a rare dipping sauce that only the finest culinary chefs in the world know how to make properly. To give you an idea of how difficult this process is, the only dish that comes close to this level of mastery is preparing the elusive blow fish in a safe, yet artful manner.
As we walking in to the busy Chick-Fila with only half of a McRib in our stomach, a hush came over the crowd as they saw us order. The only reason for such a busy, loud place to become quiet so quickly was because the infamous Condiment Kid was about the unleash the Honeynesiannaise dipping sauce, something that hasn't been produced since The Great Fire Fiasco of 2009, which she still swears was started by a rat falling in to a bucket of kerosene, crawled out and ran into a fire pit, thus setting off a trail of fire that destroyed several businesses and homes.

Anyway, back to the story. The Condiment Kid and I decided to share some nuggets and fries with a helpful amount of Honeynesiannaise. I know what you are thinking, "What the hell is Honeynesiannaise anyway?". Well it is a combination of 3 of the finest ingredients in the world. And those ingredients are honey, Polynesian sauce, and mayonnaise. Yes, I know this particular type of combination sounds gross, but looks can be deceiving. Trust me, I know this since I used to be a McRib Hater.

As The Condiment Kid and I sit down to eat the our second meal of the night, she started to prepare this heinous looking sauce. In order to make the sauce correctly, all you have to do is get 2 containers of Polynesian sauce, a crap ton of honey, and even more mayonnaise. And then you mix them all together.

I will tell you this, when I first saw this concoction being made, I thought it was going to taste like hell and and clog up my arteries and enhance my chances of getting any type of heart disease. But you know what, that was one of the best dipping sauces that I have ever had that will eventually clog up my arteries and enhance my chances of getting any type of heart disease. I need to learn to stop second guessing The Condiment Kid's food choices and just try whatever she makes.

After we were done with our meal and watched a kid run into the playground door headfirst(I laughed, neither did the kid or The Condiment Kid), it was time to leave to our next destination, Vino's.

Not Fancy Enough For McDonald's But Too Fancy For Vino's.....An Adventure Into Obesity (vol. 3) coming soon.

Not Fancy Enough For McDonald's But Too Fancy For Vino's.....An Adventure Into Obesity (vol. 1)

Was your dream to have some sort of heart problems by the age of 30? Do you like honey, mayonnaise, and Polynesian sauce combined into one heart clogging dip? Then this post is for you.

This past Wednesday, I was forced to try a certain food that I have was proud to have never eaten in my 28 years of existence. That particular food was the McRib at the nicest McDonald's that I have ever been to in my life.

Before I start the journey into the infinite abyss of heart damaging foods with my food expert, The Condiment Kid aka MCF, let me describe the McDonald's Restaurant to you. The fast food dining room did not resemble anything like a fast food restaurant at all. The place resembled more of a dining area you would find in a corporate office building or a wireless cafe. The customers in the McDonald's were dressed more sophisticated as well.

Since I was coming straight from work, I thought it would be a good idea to just put a jacket over my dress shirt and tie and change into jeans and some good ole fashion boat shoes. I should have stayed in my work clothes.

The customers looked like they were about to go to an extremely important meeting or job interview. Every time I see a McDonald's commercial and everyone is dressed all fancy like, I always think to myself "Who dresses like that for a fast food restaurant". A couple people were even having a business meeting there and showing off the blueprints and PowerPoint presentations.

Anyway, as The Condiment Kid and I approached the counter and ordered 1 McRib for the both us, I knew I was floating in uncharted territories. I was scared.

As I took the first bit into the god awful looking excuse for a BBQ sandwich, a tear slowly came from my eye. Not out of disgust, but because it tasted delicious. I started to regret making fun of all the McRib Followers who would travel from town to town in order to taste that limited time sandwich. Actually, I will still make fun of those people because they have no life, but I will admit it was one damn tasty sandwich.

Everything about the McRib was awesome. The fake beef made to look like a slab of ribs with BBQ sauce, pickles, and onions going all over the place made it seem like a party in my mouth and everyone was invited. It is a shame it only occurs once a year.

After the McDonald's McRib conversion, it was time to go to Chick-Fila and enjoy some Honeynesiannaise.

James L. Bearden (1951 - 2011)

James L. Bearden, 60, passed away Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2011, in Fort Worth. Service: Mass of Christian Burial, 10:30 a.m. Monday at St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church, 5819 W Pleasant Ridge Rd., Arlington. Interment: Emerald Hills Memorial Park, Kennedale. Visitation: The family will receive friends 6 to 8 p.m. Sunday, with a prayer vigil at 7 p.m., at Wade Family Funeral Home Chapel, 4140 W Pioneer Parkway., Arlington. James was born Aug. 20, 1951, in Dallas to Clarence Wesley Bearden and Wanda Fae Bedwell Bearden. After a long career in private investigation and security, he earned a law degree and opened up a practice in Arlington. James graduated from the University of Texas at Arlington with a political science degree and Texas Wesleyan School of Law in December 2001. A resident of Arlington since 1972, he was active in St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church. James was a member of the Men's Club, Texas Association of Licensed Investigators Legal Council, a former intelligence officer, a former president of Fielder Museum, a former board member of the UTA Alumni Board, member of Tarrant County Bar Association, a founding member of Bearahue Bobbing Team, and an assistant scout master for many years. He was preceded in death by his parents and beloved wife of 37 years, Shana Lesa Bearden, in 2009. Survivors: Sons, Wes Bearden and wife, Antoinette, Brad Bearden and fiancee, Tiffani Brooks; daughters, April Flowers and husband, T.J., Chrissy Bailey and husband, Doug; brother, Dan Bearden and wife, Amy; sisters, Wanda Burton and Bonnie Sims; grandchildren, Lily Flowers, Bella Bearden and Maddie Flowers.

American Horror Story

Do you like your tv shows to be grotesque, terrifying, brutal and kinky? If you said yes, then you are going to love American Horror Story.

The show is based around the Harmon family. Mother Vivien (Connie Britton) is working through a traumatic miscarriage she had to deliver to term, while father Ben (Dylan McDermott) is trying to put his family back together after Vivien caught him sleeping with a student. He moves them plus their teenage daughter Violet (Taissa Farmiga) across the country from Boston to an old Victorian mansion in Los Angeles.

Why is their new mansion so cheap? Because it was the site of a grisly murder-suicide and is supremely haunted.

Not only is it haunted by ghosts, but weird neighbor Constance (Jessica Lange) keeps dropping by unannounced with her daughter Adelaide (Jamie Brewer). Constance moved to Los Angeles to be an actress long ago, but got pregnant and got stuck raising her "mongoloid" daughter with Down Syndrome instead.

Add to that a maid who appears as older Frances Conroy to everyone but Ben -- he sees the maid as young, sexy Alexandra Breckenridge, complete with French maid outfit and thigh-high stockings - and a creepy burned man (Denis O'Hare) who follows Ben around.

Finally, Ben's first patient in L.A. is troubled teen Tate (Evan Peters), who has fantasies about shooting up his school. And strikes up a friendship with Violet. You discover all of this in the first episode.

For the first season, there are only going to be 8 episodes and thankfully it has already been renewed for a second season. The reason I am so excited about this is because so many characters are being introduced and they are all weird as hell.

One example of the new characters introduced is the character known as The Rubber Man. The reason he is know as The Rubber Man is because he will only wear and Nothing is known about this character expect that he likes to get it on with some of the characters on the show while pretending to be their counterpart. Other than being extremely horny, he likes to kill people as well. Rubber Man will also appear just as quickly as he disappears in situations all of the time and he never speaks.

Some of the other characters that appear in the show are the former owners of the so called Murder Mansion, which includes former owners of the home, The Montgomery's, an unmarried gay couple, half burnt man who set fire and killed his entire family, and a weird man-baby who lives in the basement.

Apparently, the man-baby is the son of The Montgomery's. The husband was a doctor who performed illegal abortions in his basement while getting high. His wife served as a recruiter to get the girls to convince them to have the abortion. One day, The Montgomery's lost their baby and tried to make a new son out of the fetuses that were left over from the abortions and animal parts and created a monster.

I am glad that this show is around because I really haven't gotten into many too many shows, other than my secret shame of a show called The Lying Game, since Lost ended. I will say that I never know what to expect when I watch an episode of American Horror Story, but I will know I have to talk to friends afterwards to talk about after it ends.

Kids Puking In Pumpkins (A Timeless Tradition)

The most precious time of year has come and gone for many of us. I am not talking about The 4th Of July, Memorial Day, or even National Hot Dog Day.

I am talking about that timeless tradition of when kids go out to random people's houses to collect candy and then inevitably, puke in a pumpkin.

Celebrating Halloween by vomiting in a pumpkin that you carved the night before with your parents for quality family time will always bring a tear to any mother's eye.

I remember the first time I got sick on Halloween due to too much candy. My parents took me all over the neighborhood to insure that all of our neighbors and the creepy old people at the retirement home saw, what my parents described as "the cutest costume any kid wore in the history of Halloween....EVER"!

After countless hours of being pimped out for candy, my parents took me to investigate the candy to make sure that nobody messed with my candy, especially that creepy Anthony Giles that lived on the corner that always had tons of Halloween decorations and even a haunted house in his garage. He never had enough candy outside, but he was pretty damn sure he had some hidden somewhere in his house that he always needed help to find when your parents weren't looking.

Anyway, after my parents went through all the candy, they would allow me to have a couple of pieces and put them away so I wouldn't eat too much. For some reason, my mom would give me a couple of more pieces of candy as long as I kept it a secret. A few minutes later, my dad would take me to where they would actually hide my plastic pumpkin full of sugar and candy and let me take a couple of more pieces. This is when everything went terribly wrong.

Since my parents both secretly gave me more candy and I knew the location of the well hidden treasure of candy, I started to consume every piece of artificial sugar insight. Then all of a sudden, the plastic candy held more than just candy. I vomed. EVERYWHERE!

You would think that, not only I, but my parents would have learned from the fateful night in Kansas City. But no. No one learned a thing. This tradition continued for some quite time until I stopped eating candy at Halloween and started on consume adult beverages with the same end results. I guess I am still trying to keep a piece of my childhood alive in some ways.

The 2011 World Series

I don't know what happened, but The Texas Rangers screwed it up......Again.....For the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW

The Love Train (Old People Doin' It)

So I've been taking the Trinity Railway Express for almost three years and I have never seen anything X-rated on the subway, aside from a drunken lady asleep with her skirt raised a little too high and the occasional high school girl is going to a stripper try out.

For the past couple of days on the way home though, an elderly couple has been asked to stop showing too much Public Display of Affection on the train. Apparently the guy was going to town kissing his (presumably) wife, in plain sight of everyone.

To be fair, all the elderly couple did was make out hardcore like they were in high school and every once in a while they would give each other with a quick feel. A kid of about 8 or 9 was sitting right behind them (eventually his mom got him up and into another section of the car--over his objections; poor woman probably had a lot of questions to answer). People either looked on in shock or moved away but no one said anything to the couple directly.

Their expression of love apparently made someone a little upset because one of the train conductors had to have a conversation with the elderly couple and the TRE's rules on PDA. I don't know who was more embarrassed, the elderly couple or the employee who had to talk about excessive kissing and touching to the elderly couple.

I arrived at a successful conclusion en route to my stop at the Bedford Station while the elderly couple left the reaming passengers in a daze at the Centerpoint Station. Old people just need some good ole fashion train love.

The funny part is this has not been the first time the couple has been in trouble for this. It took me a couple of days to complete this post and since then, the couple has been issued an official warning from the T.R.E. that says if they get caught one more time, they will be fined and/or suspended from the train for an undetermined amount of time.

Well, I guess the T.R.E. not longer stands for Trinity Railway Express. It now stands for The Raunchy Elderlies, but I don't think this level of PDA is anyone's idea of a lovely time.

Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a sore spot for him.

Longtime acquaintances of Ferguson reported that the otherwise amiable 39-year-old gets "a bit touchy" whenever someone makes even the most passing mention of his complete lack of personal and professional accomplishment.

"Ordinarily, he's a pretty okay guy to have around," said Greg Ostrowski, who has known Ferguson since high school. "But you have to be very, very careful if you bring up how he's always come up short at anything he's ever attempted. If you're not extremely delicate in the way you broach how success of any sort has constantly eluded him, he'll get very defensive."

"Honestly, it's often best to avoid that subject altogether," Ostrowski added. "But that's really hard. Mike's fucked up an awful lot. At pretty much everything, really."

Ferguson's particular sensitivity to his lifelong ineptness was reportedly not apparent at first, and friends said they were often caught off guard by the amount of offense he took at the slightest reference to the fact he was totally squandering his time on earth.

"I just remember casually saying something about how he was nearly broke, had never had a relationship that lasted longer than two months, and was still working part-time at his dad's sporting goods store, and he suddenly just bristled," said former roommate Ted McCormick, adding that he initially thought his friend's response was a sarcastic overreaction. "I said, 'Sorry, I didn't realize that was such a big deal to you.' I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that just alluding to the fact he couldn't hack more than a semester and a half of college was going to get under his skin so much?"

McCormick also told reporters Ferguson could benefit from having more of a sense of humor about the four decades of futility that have made his life unbearable.

"Everyone's got that one thing they're a little weird about, including me," said McCormick, admitting that at five-foot-six, he was sometimes sensitive about his height. "But I don't get all testy about it when people make a joke or two. I think if Mike just learned to laugh and not get bent out of shape every time someone makes an offhand remark about how he's essentially blown any chance he'll ever have for happiness, it'd be a lot easier to talk to him."

Added McCormick, "It's already tough enough being friends with a loser like that, you know"

Borrowed from The Onion when this reminded me of one of my own friends

The Heist

Dreams can be a hard thing to understand sometimes. On one hand, dreams can either motivate, enlighten, or inspire you. On the other hand, they can torment, frighten, or just down right scare the living hell out of you. Fortunately for me, the former usually occurs to me and recently gave me to greatest idea ever. I am going to steal the greatest, most priceless object of all time.....Bob Hope's brain.

Now, I know what you are thinking right now. Why would anyone want to steal Bob Hope's brain? The only reason answer for that would be for money and an unlimited amount of Bob Hope jokes. And plus, the guy in a National Treasure as well.

So here is a rundown of my dream, which I am pretty sure will result in a successful robbery in real life.

A few of us were in a horrible dive bar, the type of bar where only the bottom feeders to go to escape their dull existence of a life. One of my friends says that his wife's pimp knows a guy who works at Cedars Sinai medical lab. They're getting a very special delivery a week from this Friday. And that special delivery will be Bob Hope's brain.

Since we took the plan seriously, we did a full weeks worth of recon work in order to prepare for the big heist. We found out the the courier is named Antonio and he delivers at four o'clock on the nose every Friday. Alpha team will be in the elevator with the courier, which will consist of me and Creeper number two team, which will be Lauren and Jimmy, will be positioned in the stairwell at the other end of the hall.

Every member of the team will be equipped with night vision goggles, a police scanner, a two-way radios and a uniform that will consist of camouflage shorts, a black tank top and after-ski boots

With alpha team following from the elevator, number two team will approach from the stairwell, cutting the courier off before he reaches the lab. After a fierce struggle, an intense battle of tug of war, and facing superior numbers and an array of high-tech weapons, such as my dustbuster vacuum that I use as a gun, the courier will have no choice but to comply with our demands.

Now here's the beautiful part. The getaway. Both teams will rappel right down the center of the stairwell, change clothes and walk right out the front door like nothing happened. Well, that is the main goal, but I will probably end up tumbling head-over-heals down the metal steps and turning myself into a bloody mess while the container carrying Bob Hope's brain is busted open and brain fragments are thrown all over the place.

As I try to clean up the mess, and I run out of the building into the middle of the street right into oncoming traffic. In my dream, my Arch Nemeses, Musically Challenged Friend, runs me over with an ambulance and drags my body for about 50 feet. In real life, I plan on getting away with my crime along with the members of my team as well and sell the brain on E-Bay, a collector, or to the guys on Pawn Stars.

The Legend Of Musically Challenged Friend

Musically Challenged Friend and I were travelling through the Emerald Forest, actually it was the Enchanted Emerald Forest to be exact. We found ourselves in the Enchanted Emerald Forest because we were depressed because we have just heard of bunch of shitty music like Len's Steal My Sunshine.

As we were walking and talking through the forest, we past a groove of threes and encountered a dragon. The evil dragon breathing fire and shooting lasers and bright lights from his eyes and exploding trees next to us in order to intimidate us.

MCF and I were screaming for help as loud as we could. She would yell "Please, somebody please help us!?! Will some knight in shining armor come and save us?!?" But there was no knight or any help to be found because it was the Enchanted Emerald Forest and obviously knights in shinning armor cant enter the Enchanted Emerald Forest because of the disfigured trolls that live around the perimeter. The trolls only job is to keep the knights out and bar them from entering this special forest.

And as everyone knows, the Enchanted Emerald Forest is mainly for mythical characters such as your fairies, sprites, your creatures of the night or whatever you want to call them.

But as MCF and I were trying to escape, the dragon sat upon upon us and said "I will eat your souls". And you know, obviously we were very scared for our lives and that is when MCF took action.

MCF yelled "Kevin, don't worry, I will take care of this". So she jumped on her unicorn, where the unicorn was this whole time is a mystery to me, and rode up to the dragon to its most vulnerable spot, its heart.

The heart is the most vulnerable spot because it has not heart my friends. "Oh no, really" is what you may be asking yourself, but it is true, dragons are fucking heartless.

So MCF grabbed a branch off the tree and as she rode in closer to the dragon beast, she triumphantly screamed, "A foul upon thy dragon" and the stabbed the dragon in the area where the heart should be. The dragon's soul then escaped from the wound and vanished forever.

And that is how Musically Challenged Friend saved my life. And to this day, we haven't talked about those events that memorable day. You may not notice it, but MCF has a fake left leg.

As she fatally wounded the dragon, her unicorn was killed by a hiding Gypsy who happened to to be the dragon's right hand man. As the unicorn died, its horn flew off and tore off Musically Challenged Friend's left leg..

She refused to see the doctor because she did not want any medical records to exist about your heroic deed. The only thing that helps her deal with the pain in to ridicule anyone who listens to pussy rock such as Air Supply, Goo Goo Dolls, or, according to her, anything else that sucks donkey dick.

She is a True American Hero.

The Power Of Ties

I use to think that ties were the bane of my existence, now I have a sneaky feeling that they may not be that bad at all.

For the first two and a half years at my current job, I never wore a tie. I hated ties. They always got in the way, they were uncomfortable, and they always posed as a chocking hazard when I took my mid afternoon naps. Trust me, you never want to interrupt me during one of my naps Those may have been the best tie-free two and a half years of my professional career. Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with one my VPs at work and I wore a tie in order to give a good professional impression. As we discussed my career path and growth within the company, he said it would be a good idea to always wear a tie to work from now on. In other words, he told me to wear a tie everyday in a friendly, polite manner.

Ever since that day, I have been wearing a tie to work. The most intriguing part of the new clothing accessory are the reactions that people give me. Some people thought I received a promotion, while others thought I had an important meeting, or they would say things to me like this little gem:

"That's a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said but you know, the fact that you're wearing a tie, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would."

I now know that I have finally started to climb that corporate ladder to success. My parents are finally proud of me.

The Musically Challenged Friend Fund

You have never seen a place like this have you? But everyday, people like my Musically Challenged Friend will go to mp3 sites to find non pussy rock music like Marilyn Manson, The Ramones, Stevie Wonder, and anything that doesn't resemble Coldplay. MCF does this hoping not to get sucked into shitty 3 day music festivals with dancing, shoeless hippies.

But when you look out here, you could think "What do I have in common with Musically Challenged Friend with a strong distaste for pussy rock, MCF is not like me at all?" You couldn't be more wrong. Like you, MCF knows what real pussy rock is, which festivals are actually worth going to, and like you, kind of always wanted to go to a festival. But MCF doesn't know what good music taste is like, because MCF never had one.

How would you like to give Musically Challenged Friend a break. Go to the phone and call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund. Give one Musically Challenged Friend a break.

Your 80 cents a day means that Musically Challenged Friend can pay for decent songs that don't suck, which means she might be cured from diseases that will allow MCF to be tolerant of different types of music. And doctors can administer these cures with a shot of Blink 182 or a Arcade Fire pill.

More than 30,000 kids were bored to death because of non tolerance of different types of music. Call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund and we will send you a picture of a child like Musically Challenged Friend. We will tell you what recent festival she went to, a little about her music taste and how they improved. There is no obligation, but in your life, if anyone has ever given you a break when you needed one, then call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund and give it back to a musical festival-less, non tolerant pussy rock person.

For only 80 cents a day, call now. Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund is America's oldest and most trusted Tolerance for Music Children's Musically Challenged Friend Charity because so much of you money goes right where it belongs: sending that certain Musically Challenged Friend to a 3 day music festival where they belong.

The Lying Game

I was recently introduced to an hour long drama that is on ABC Family called "The Lying Game" and it has now become my new secret shame thanks to my musically challenged friend.

Here is a quick synopsis of what the show is all about:

Set in Phoenix, Arizona, the series is about Emma, a foster child who finds out she has an identical twin sister, Sutton. Both girls were separated at birth with Sutton being adopted by wealthy parents and is seemingly living an ideal life. Meeting prior to the pilot episode, Sutton talks Emma into stepping into her life for a few days while she pursues their birth mother in Los Angeles. Initially excited to do this favor for her sister, Emma soon learns that Sutton has many hidden secrets. Now, Emma must continue to cover as Sutton while Sutton continues her search for their birth mother.

This show has horribly awesome written all over it. We all know what type of show it is. Crappy acting, cheesy lines, and in some strange reason, you cant take your eyes off of it. ABC Family has made the best version of a horrible car accident for teens.

A couple of things that I find amusing about the show is that no one knows that the twins have switched places with the exception of one person. Not even the girls' family or friends seem to know that they are hanging out with a complete stranger now.

I also like how every episode ends with a strange, yet entertaining cliff hanger. Either one of the girls gets kidnapped, one father thinks about killing his daughter's friend because he may have overheard a phone conversation about the twins' mother, or the twins and their high school friends nailing each others boyfriends/house squatter/enemies/friends/frenemies/ballet teachers.

The crazy thing is that ABC Family adapted this tv show from a novel, which is also called The Lying Game. I may or may have not read the first 2 books in the four book series, but they novels are crazy. Instead of twins trying to find their mother, one of the twins is murdered and the other twin takes her place in order to find out who killed her sister. People are trying to kill each other, parents are beating up their kids, and there is a ton of backstabbing. It is truly a guilty pleasure and embarrassing purchase when someone in their late twenties has to go to the "teen" section of Barnes and Noble in order to find the last copy in the store.

The show comes on every Monday at 7 on ABC Family and it is extremely addicting to watch so be careful because you may want to start secretly watching it every week.

The Music Blues

People seem to be under the impression that I know what I'm doing when it comes to music. I'd like to think that's fairly true, but as of late I've stumbled upon what I like to call a music void. It's a slump when nothing seems all that great. Happens to the best of us from time to time and while it's happening it seems endless. You know that feeling when you've bought an album or heard a song and are stunned by how much you like it...it just might be the greatest piece that's ever been piped through your headphones. Good grief, what could be better?

As terrific as that feeling is, as uplifting and energizing, not being able to recapture it for an extended period of time feels a little like watching the battery die on my cell phone, to me. It's red and blinking and I'm scrambling for the charger but it's no where to be found. We're goin' down. There are different types of voids, like that bleak period in the mid to late 90's where I was quite sure music had peaked and was very quickly dying as an art form. Anyone who had similar thoughts of doom, though probably realizes that the void wasn't their fault and they weren't just being moody or picky. At the moment I really don't believe that's the case right now, thankfully. It's Lost in the Desert Syndrome. Where to go from here without wasting time and how to get back to that album that rivals sliced cheese in greatness. Maybe it's got to do with getting to the point where there are too many similar-sounding bands saturating a genre. Indie is in and every other band is in youth-sized vintage t-shirts or short sleeved plaid button-ups.

So, I 've got no magic advice. These slumps have the tendency to end themselves when the person in said slump stops trying so hard to find the way out and in the proccess only gets disillusioned by the crap they hear on the way. When in doubt dust off an old favorite. It'll happen

RIP Lindsay Alice Lewis (1983 - 2011)

At the young age of 28, Lindsay Lewis passed from this life Friday, Sept. 23, 2011, in Frisco. Funeral: 10 a.m. Tuesday at The Heights in Richardson. Interment: Pecan Grove Cemetery in McKinney. Visitation: 8:30 to 9:30 a.m. Tuesday prior to the service. Memorials: A trust fund has been set up on behalf the family through Bank of America, Account #488032686043, Routing #111000025. Online transfer can be made entering Lewis and 75071. Lindsay was born to Gregory Allen and Darcy Pettijohn Breault in Arlington on May 27, 1983. She was married to her high school sweetheart, Gabe Lewis. She became a loving mother of two when the Lord blessed them with Brody Journey Lewis, 2 1/2 years, and Cash Allen Lewis, 11 months. Lindsay was a teacher employed at Top of the World Daycare in McKinney. Survivors: She is survived by her husband, Gabe; her sons, Brody and Cash, all of McKinney; mother, Darcy Osborne and husband, Ron, of Frisco; father, Greg Breault and wife, Pat, of Arlington; sister, Devon Breault of Fort Worth; grandparents, George Breault of Arlington, Betty Rivers of San Antonio; and many other close family and friends.

Neighborhoods

After 8 long years, Blink 182 has finally released a new album and it is awesome. I know i am bias because I have been a fan since junior high.

I have alot of blink memories through out the years, one for example was when my neighbors had their extremely hot niece stay with them for a week during the summer. Another memory was driving in my 1992 GMC whit Austin while shooting of bottle rockets, fireworks, smoke bombs, and other illegal explosives that a kid at the ripe age of 16 or 17 can buy at a shady gas station in Burleson, TX. We had to stop once Austin threw a smoke bomb on a cop car's windshield and the cigarette lighter flew into my lap while driving.

I also gave a somewhat questionable first impression to my friend Katie's mom because I gave her the Enema of the State cd as a bday gift. Apparently, her mom thought I was giving her a porn movie as a gift and quickly took it away from her. For awhile I was known as that weird kid who gives porn to girls and then they thought I died for awhile because they didn't see me for a long period of time. Now they know me as that kid who gets in trouble with their son-in-law from time to time. Below is a picture of the Enema of the State album cover that was given to her.

It’s no secret that blink 182 grew up quite some time ago. 2003′s self-titled album had nary a dick or fart joke, the band’s trademark toilet humor replaced by New Wave murk and songs increasingly focused on alienation, broken homes, and relationships gone sour. And while the pop punk pioneers had never steered away from heavier subject matter (listen to “Cacophony” off of Cheshire Cat for early evidence of catchy mopery), it was always peppered between smart aleck-y sneers about Star Wars, masturbation, and grandparents shitting their pants on Labor Day.

The adolescent juxtaposition was a strength as much as a signature. So, given the epic dramatics of their last studio release, it’s not a surprise that Neighborhoods is even doomier and gloomier than its predecessor. The band has seen their fair share of obstacles over the past eight years, from typical grievances like divorce to the tragic plane crash that nearly took Travis Barker’s life and indirectly led to the death of the band’s good friend DJ AM. It only makes sense that they’d amp up the pessimism and plunge into darkness, and much like Blink-182, that’s both the weakness and the strength of Neighborhoods. The weighty aesthetic makes the punky bombast all that more effective and fascinating but also tends to swallow it up in an ocean of melodrama.

Fortunately, the tracks that work work well. Opener “Ghost on the Dance Floor” makes wonderful use of the band’s clashing energies, kicking off with ’80s keyboard ambiance soon invaded by Tom DeLonge’s furious buzz saw guitar. It fades in slowly, then bursts into familiar full throttle with Barker’s precise snare and Hoppus’ full bass, teetering back and forth between seeps of synthesizers and perfected three-chord bliss. The trend continues on “Natives”, its rapid-fire offbeat strategically derailed by ethereal guitar and Hoppus’s haunting chorus, rife with romantic yearning and imagery of Jekyll and Hyde.

The record’s first misstep comes with third track and (confusingly) first single, “Up All Night”, which combines the bloated production of Angels & Airwaves with the snot-packed nag of Boxcar Racer, abruptly switching between crunchy guitar and an unfocused keyboard riff. Hoppus has always possessed a clearer vocal quality that seems better suited for the more serious stuff (DeLonge often sounds like he’s whining), but on “Up All Night”, he’s limited to the chorus and a couple of trade-off lines in the verses. Although having two vocalists continues to serve the band well, it’d be nice to hear Hoppus featured a bit more on Neighborhoods. His stripped-down “Heart’s All Gone” ranks among the best tracks on the record, blending the bare bones of three-piece instrumentation with lyrics that are simple yet mature. “This seemed so sweet at the start, but the start’s all wrong/you say you speak from your heart, but your heart’s all gone,” he belts. It’s a track that blends the best elements of Blink’s younger years with the weathered wisdom of their late 30s.

“Mh 4.18.2011″ follows the same garage-hook formula with great success, as does DeLonge’s “Wishing Well”, making nice use of muted production flourishes interrupted by a popping chorus reminiscent of younger punkers Gaslight Anthem. Here, DeLonge’s lyrics rely on visuals instead of empty overstatements, crafting a sonic narrative of diving into a wishing well and eventually washing up on a jagged shore. It trumps overwrought sentiments such as, “All I hear are the many echoes of the darkest words you said,” found on earlier, sludgier cut “After Midnight”. The album closes in similar soap opera fashion with “Love Is Dangerous”. Saccharine keyboards float over a plodding chord progression and numbing echo effects, building nowhere to a chorus that does nothing but repeat the clunky title of the song.

The deluxe edition contains two additional tracks at the end: Barker’s cluttered soundscape “Fighting the Gravity” and DeLonge yawner “Even if She Falls”. Along with “Snakecharmer”, which sounds like it was produced by Linkin Park, and an unnecessary interlude that leads into “Heart’s All Gone” (nearly stripping the song of everything that makes it good), the bonus tracks do little but inflate an already inflated album. With the 10-song version, the moments of brilliance (and there are many) are still able to shine through, giving hope that Blink could one day put out a record that perfectly marries their catchy energy with their more adult impulses.

Essential Tracks: “Ghost on the Dance Floor”, “Heart’s All Gone”, and “Natives”.

The Dallas Derby Devils

Do you like roller skates? Do you like those girls in those said roller skates? Do you like to see those said girls in those said roller skates going around in a constant circle like in Nascar? Then you are in luck my friends because that is exactly what I witnessed Saturday night.

Amy, Stephanie, and I decided to go to a roller derby match since non of us have seen one before and we will see any sporting event where there is the slightest chance of blood being spilled on the floor.

Since three of us had never been to a match before, we really didn't know what to expect with the exception of what I could remember from the movie "Whip It".

The event started with a performance by the current World Champions of Jump Roping. Don't worry, you read that previous sentence correctly. World Champions of Jump Roping Performance. And I cant lie, they were pretty damn good. Kids were jumping up and down, then doing handstands, flips, and I am pretty sure I saw one kid prepare his parents' taxes all while jump roping.

After the 10 minute performance, it was time for the derby to begin. As the teams and players were being announced, the emcees were also giving a quick cliff notes version of what to look for during the game and how to score points. I didn't understand how any of it worked at first, but I was willing to give it a try mainly because I wanted to see people fall down alot.

If I learned one thing from this night at the derby, it is the fact that those girls can skate and they will try to knock each other on their asses. Girls formed lines to block to opposing side from advancing while one lone, crazy girl would be on her own trying to push, block, punch, or trample over anybody that she could.

The first game was pretty interesting, but not as fast paced as I thought it would be. It seemed like the skaters would skate around in a couple of circles and somehow score 20 points from doing that. The good part about this particular match was that one girl got injured pretty bad.

What happened was when a bunch of girls were rounding a corner, one girl fell down and it became a domino effect for the rest of the skaters. The girls only had to choices at this point. Either quickly jump out of the way or get tangled in the sea of girls on the floor. No one got hurt with the exception of the girl who feel first and she received a face full of roller skates.

She got hit hard enough where it knocked her out for a minute. After several attempts to stand up, she finally just laid on the floor until the medic could get to her and try to help her out. The game was paused and the coaches and medic eventually got her off the court and she seemed fine.

After that match ended, it was time to start with the halftime entertainment which was a band consisting of 4 elementary school aged girls covering 80s songs and a plastic duck throwing competition with the winner receiving a bottle of whiskey.

When the half time show ended, it was time for the main event, the title bout between the Slaughters and some other team. This match was much more fast paced and more exciting than the previous match. Girls were beating the hell out of each other, knock them down, throwing themselves into coaches, and even hitting one girl hard enough that she had to be taken out of the game in a wheel chair.

The game finally ended with, I think, the team other than the Slaughters winning. It was pretty fun and I would probably go again just to see people get hurt with potential bloodshed.

Austin City Limits 2011

Well, it is that time of the year again where I embark on a journey to Austin, Texas and attend a 3 day concert known as Austin City Limits.

I am particularly excited about this year because there are going to be some acts that will be at ACL, or what one of my musically challenged friends refers to as THE PUSSY ROCK FESTIVAL, that I would not normally get the chance to see.

Some of those acts were Kayne West, Stevie Wonder (who was bad ass by the way), Randy Newman, Jack Ingram, and Cee Lo Green. Another great aspect of this festival is that you can check out a band who may have one well known song on the radio at the time and see what the rest of their set is like. That is how I discovered bands like Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and Cut Copy.

One thing I experienced this year that I have yet to go through any of the previous ACL Festivals that I went to was the rain. It had a constant drizzle of rain on Friday and Saturday. It would have been great if it just down poured for a little bit instead of an all day constant drizzle because I got pretty damn tired of wiping the rain off of my glasses.

The highlights of the concert for me this year was seeing Arcade Fire close the festival, Randy Newman singing "You've Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story, Coldplay, and Stevie Wonder singing everything that he sung.

Oh, and I cant forget all of the people at the concert. If you ever just want to enjoy a good weekend of people watching, then you should try this festival out. I saw all kinds of people dressed in all kinds of ways that will haunt my dreams. Some of the people were scarier than Pennywise, the killer clown from Stephen King's "It".

I almost didn't make the concert this year due to travel restraints and me being sick. My sickness, just my allergies acting up like a woman who has been scorned in any LifeTime man hater movie, actually saved me a ton of money. This is the first where I didn't drink because I was on medication and that was the main reason how I saved so much money. A couple of my friends would have at 4 beers a day (the concert was 12 hours each day) at $7 each which is $28 a day and $84 for the weekend. I ended up only spending a grand total of $60 for the whole weekend. I was pretty damn proud of myself.

Another great money saver plan that I put into action was that I only ate 1 kolache and 2 slices of shitty pizza every day I was in Austin with the exception of Sunday when I had some eggs with my kolache.

It was another good year at ACL and hopfully I can attend next years event as well.

What Has Eight Legs, Two Fangs, And An Attitude?

Spiders, that's what! And they are all over the damn place. Some were at my house, one was attempting to build a home in my car, and there were a ton of them at my work.

One of my co workers got bit by an unknown spider on her arm and she broke out in a huge rash within 20 minutes. Spiders are assholes!

My Competing Hospital at its Best

It’s hard to imagine why a hospital would implant a Garmin in a patient during tonsil and sinus surgery, but such is the claim made by Michael Woolman of Lincoln, Nebraska. Perhaps it’s as simple as not wanting to lose track of him during a clinical trial? Let’s look at Woolman’s legal filing to get the heart of the matter.

Woolman says he was admitted to Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas for tonsil and sinus surgery. But during his post-op recovery, he claims to have found a bloody wound in his armpit. As he explained in his self-filed legal paperwork:

I was in ,”The Room after ,surgery& I needed ,to go to the bathroom .
I got up and a nurse assisted me to ,the bathroom.
I was going to the bathroom and , I finished.
All a sudden ,My cloth started falling off, I tried to pull ,my cloths up and ,,
My arm pit was bloody, Well I thought nothing of it, at the time.
Well , I came in for a since & noise surgery,? Why is my arm pit bloody ??????
Now after ,knowing ,what Bryan LGH was doing IS
Trying a new way to track people,
By inserting a GPS Device in people, Illegally.

You have to admit: That does sound fishy. You can see Woolman’s entire complaint here.

So far, Baylor hasn’t responded to the suit publicly.

For his part, we think Woolman is overlooking the fact that it’s an overall benefit to have built-in GPS. For starters, there’s no chance he’ll get lost on the long drive back to Lincoln

School Daze

God bless little Johnny who's sitting in class today on the first week of school, wishing for his mommy or death. I empathize with him. I remember my own stint in compulsory school too well.

I went to elementary school in one of those prison campuses. Cinder-block walls, concrete floors and a generous ration of getting knifed. We didn't use cigarettes as currency; we simply used currency to buy cigarettes, and more than a few of us became queens in order to survive. (OMIT, please. My parents read.)

One problem with my elementary imprisonment was that I was small and unable to enforce my own self-determination.

I remember being surrounded by third-grade classmates who I swore could produce offspring. Whereas I had dinner at 8, they had puberty at 8. There was even a kid named Charles who sat two rows from me that had a mustache, and a handle-bar one at that, which meant he could not only kick my ass, but could pass as a gentleman in 19th century British India.

Perhaps I'm remembering the details of youth poorly, but what I don't recall in factual particulars, I compensate with absolute emotional accuracy. It was a bad place. I felt alone.

The main thing that made school feel like prison to me was the duration. Every day of second grade felt like five to 10 for B and E. I majored in clock watching, and I simply couldn't wait to get out of there to go play in a creek or reenact Star Wars in makeshift costumes.

I wonder how many other people remember their elementary experience as vividly as I do. I once loved a girl who couldn't recall the names of her first, second and third grade teachers. I don't understand that. I remember all of mine and how they told me I was an "idiot with a disjointed body."

I'll never forget the first time our principal, Mrs. Withers, came on the wooden-framed loudspeaker and announced that school was over in a voice branded with a three-pack-a-day habit. "Have a Marlboro summer," she said, and then it was off to freedom. Paroled, until the infraction of summer fun was punished once more with scholastic incarceration.

I don't miss it. Nothing in my adult life has felt like the grind of the school year.

So hang in there, little Johnny. I still feel your pain.

Crazy Dreams

For the past couple of weeks, I have had some weird crazy dreams. And by weird crazy, I mean these dreams actually wake me and I need to make sure that I am not in the particular situation that I was in the dream.

For instance, I had a dream last night that I was in high school playing baseball with a bunch of friends after school in a nice suburban neighborhood. It seemed fun at first but once it become a little dark outside, all hell broke loose.

When it became dark, the safe neighborhood became a war zone that is normally found in third world countries. People were being targeted and shot as everyone was racing to get home safely. We had to dodge bullets by hiding behind cars, fences, or anything else we could find. It reminded me of the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan except it was in a run down neighborhood instead of a beach.

When i finally made it to my home, it was a wooden shack that no bigger than the cheapest cabin on the lowest level of a cruise ship. The only thing in there was a bed, pillow, and a dirty blanket. As I was going to bed in my dream, the people who were shooting at us earlier started to shoot and break in my cabin and kidnap me. This is when I woke up from the dream and it took me forever to fall back asleep.

Another dream I had was not as intense as the previous story, but still awkward. Basically in this dream, I kept on walking down a hallway that never ended. As I walked down the hallway, people that i knew through out my life would pop out from doors and make me eat all types of food until I literally exploded in my dream.

I have had other crazy dreams as well but I can not remember too clearly, but if I have anymore, I will try and write them down as I remember them.

10 YEARS!!

This past Saturday, I attended my 10 year high school reunion at a little bar called Froggy's Boathouse in Fort Worth.

To be honest, I really didn't have high expectations at all. I checked out Froggy's Boathouse from facebook and other sites with comments on them and none of them looked appealing at all. Plus it was no where near a lake or any other body of water.

At first there was not a lot of people there at all. Probably because I showed up right when the event was suppose to start, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. At that light was located at the bar.

When I picked up my name tag, I was informed that our group already had a prepaid bill to the amount of $800. Since the drinks were cheap anyway ($1 beers and $3 wells), I was kind of glad that not a lot of people were there at first.

After about 20 to 30 minutes into the event, a ton of people started to show up. The place quickly got crowded with all types of people that I haven seen since high school and some people that I haven't seen since the night before at a happy hour event.

More people showed up than expected our reunion quickly became 97% of the the customers that night. So many people showed up that we took over part of the volleyball court with people just standing around and talking to each other.

Although we had the bar rented from 6 to 10, the public could still come in and that was taking up room that we desperately needed. Since we already hit the $800 mark and had less then 20 minutes left at Froggy's, we decided that a change of venue would be the best idea.

A couple of blocks over and 10 minutes later, the Martin High School Class of 2001 decided to take over a watering hole named The Capital Bar. This was a probably one of the better choices the was made through out the night.

The Capital Bar was large enough not only to hold our entire group, but had plenty of space to hold to people who were just coming in for a random drink that night. Another plus was the stage out in back where a decent college alt-rock band did a quasi good job with playing a music.

After several hours at The Capital Bar, it was time to call it a night and head come (by way of a dd of course). It was pretty good time and I am actually suprised that no one repeated or attempt to renact any of these lines/scenes from Grosse Point Blank.

Almost Beat The Heat

I hate falling short when it comes to breaking records, especially when it is only by a couple of days.

In 1980, Texas had a heat wave with weather in the triple digits that last for 42 days. We lasted only 40 days in a row until a small cold front and rain came by and screwed everything up. We had two days that were at 99 degrees as a high and quickly went back to triple degree heat.

One thing that bothered me more than nothing beating the current heat record was hearing people say stupid stuff about not beating the heat record.

One phrase that I heard people, mainly guys, say that bothered me for some reason was "man, it is hot as balls today". That phrase bothers me more than that stupid "Steal My Sunshine" song by LEN. I honestly don't know how that retarded song became so popular.

I don't like to say that anything is "hot as balls" because I am not a fan of simile and mainly because the balls specifically hang lower than the rest of the body to technically remain at a cooler temperature. Literally, the balls are the coldest temperature of the body. People should say anything other than "hot as balls" like "hot as the body minus balls", "hot as any other body part", "hot as the balls in the winter when they go back up to be a team player". Winter balls are actually hotter than summer balls. Its a strange mystery, but at least I solved it.

I know that is probably a stupid reason to hate a particular phrase, but it a good reason to reason so I am just going to roll with it.

Anyway, we are expected to have more triple digit heat for a while longer but I don't know if I can handle more of these 100 plus degree weather days.

The Noid: Behind the Music

Do you remember The Noid from the Domino's commercials a few decades ago. He was a villainous red-suited character with red rabbit ears who attempted to ruin Domino's pizza but was constantly thwarted. Well that crazy pizza hating son of a bitch is back.

Growing up, Noid was a sophisticated class act, with dark eyes and never a piece of hair to be seen. He had rich parents who were professors of philosophy and economics at Harvard. By the time he was 13, Noid had academically eclipsed his parents. He spent the rest of his teenage years abroad, learning levitation with a Tibetan guru; safecracking and bomb defusing with a Parisian double agent; dancing for a time with the Stuttgart Ballet — the usual classical education.

An expert fencer and horsewoman, Noid has been a government aerospace engineer and on-call consultant for NASA. He was also an early pioneer in the creation of the laptop computer. Noid is so on top of everything, it’s easy to bore him and hard to keep him amused. No known drawbacks.

Smitten with actress Natalie Portman, he resided in an impeccable loft in downtown Los Angeles. He drove a vintage silver Mercedes convertible, license plate number 340-JAN. He worshiped Martha Stewart, despite the fact that she is cursed in the kitchen.

Then he found stardom with Domino's pizza. He played a character that was obsessed with overthrowing Domino's power and sabotaging all of their pizzas. He was a huge success and popular in the mid to late 80s. But nothing can last forever.

The fame and fortune got to The Noid's head and he pretty much became a prick.
The Noid became very wealthy, apparently making his fortune from his former real estate company ReyHam Properties, from which he swindled his business partner Eugene out of his share of the company, as well as foreign business deals, such as a Vietnamese sweatshop. Despite this wealth, The Noid could never keep his finances together and was forced to live in squalor with a drugged out Chester Cheetah in an apartment referred to by anyone who dares step into it as "a shit-hole".

Since then, he has gone through a consistent and prominent De-Evolution, drinking more and more, going to strip clubs. He also becomes more and more cruel, selfish, and greedy. Though The Noid is egotistical, diabolical, and maniacal, he appears to have some good in him; he seems to care greatly for Wendy from Wendy's. But that didn't stop his drug addiction.

The Noid became so addicted to drugs that he eventually became involved with pornography, street walking, and gambling.

The Noid became such a severe compulsive gambler that he has been seen betting on everything from grade school basketball to Russian roulette, usually with his chain smoking, and high-stakes betting ring of Vietnamese friends.

Once, during a drug induced rage, he waterboarded a Pizza Hut delivery man for looking at him the wrong way. When he was arrested, The Noid kept on repeating "I don't mean to impose, but I am the ocean."

He has had numerous run-ins with the police, having been arrested 12 times. During the time of his addiction, he was known for his debauchery. The Noid was ejected from the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, and he infamously introduced his drug dealer to Kylie Minogue during his time at MTV.

Everything changed once he met and became romantically involved with Kathy Griffin. After 8 years with her, The Noid is now a former heroin and sex addict and a recovering alcoholic.

He has abstained from drug use since 2002 and is now a patron of the addiction charity Focus 12. His abandonment of drugs and alcohol was instigated by his agent, Ronald McDonald, after The Noid was caught taking heroin in a bathroom during his Christmas party.

At Kathy's request, he regularly attends AA and NA meetings and cites his practice of the Transcendental Meditation technique as a significant factor in his recovery from drug addiction.

The Noid recently had his cousin,Kenneth Lamar Noid, move in to live with him and Kathy. On January 30, 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, a mentally ill customer who thought the Domino's ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia, Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident had ended, police Chief Reed Miller offered a memorable assessment to reporters: "He's paranoid." Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion, and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Broken Toes and Hoes

Last week, a couple of friends and I went to a bar called Gilligan's to have a couple of drinks and listen to people who are horrible at karaoke.

There were about 10 of us sitting at a large rectangular shaped table with people on all sides. We were being loud, drinking, and having a good time on a late Thursday night.

Next to our group of people was another group of people with the about the same number of people. Although, we did not know these people, a couple of the girls started to come over and talk to us.

One of the girls was named Jenny and she came over to introduce herself. The conversation went as followed:

Jenny: Hi, I am Jenny.

Me: Hi, I am Kevin, you have some red stuff all over your shirt.

Jenny: Oh, I know, my friend Samantha spilt her drink on me.

Samantha: Hi, I am Samantha.

Jenny and Samantha then sat down and shared a small chair with each other. Since the music/karaoke was extremely loud, i had a hard time hear what they were saying. So naturally, I moved my chair up to them in order to hear better. This was going to prove to be a bad move on my behalf.

I moved my chair closer to them by lifting the front legs of the chair and dragging the back legs of the chair. I then sat down as I was putting the two front legs of the chair back on the ground.

That is when I heard a very loud, painful scream.

Apparently, when I put the left front chair leg down, I placed the leg on her big left toe and broke the hell out of it. The toe nail was ripped completely off and the knuckle of her toe looked like Corky's face from the 80s show "Life Goes On".

Her friend Samantha immediately jumped out of her lap and sat next to me and paid absolutely no attention at all to Jenny's now disfigured toe. To be honest, I thought Jenny was joking around until I actually saw the toe. There is nothing like the sight of a drunk girl holding up her foot with her captain toe nail missing and blood dripping on the floor.

The bleeding was not that bad, it was as if someone accidentally poked themselves with a needle a shit load of times.

Since Jenny was pretty drunk at this point, she really didn't pay much attention to her toe after a minute had passed. She, as best as she could, stood up and got another drink from the bar and went back to her friends. the gross thing about all this was the fact that she refused to put her sandal back on.

So for the rest of the night, she was walking around the horrible gem infested floor that Gilligan's is proud to offer with her left foot barefoot. If you couldn't find Jenny, all you had to do to locate her is find the little bloody toe print that was all over the place and you would eventually find her.

Apartment Hunting

It has been time for me to find a new place to live for some time now and nothing sucks more than apartment hunting. I hate filling out forms, I hate paying to fill out forms, and I hate that all of the apartment complexes makes you fill out the same damn form.

Since I am in my nascent adulthood, I am not what you would call "a rich man." In fact, I am more of what you would call "a guy you would like to punch in the face." Also, I am poor (For being in my twenties).

My biggest expenses these days are either alcohol or secondhand dvds. I love shopping for those dvds being sold outside of a 7-11, especially while drunk. I would buy up to a dozen movies a month, and the fact I was never truly sober enough to watch them was never a deterrent to my acquisition.

These twin passions (possible soft-porn title) of dvds and booze left me little money for rent, so I may be forced to live in iffy locales, like Bedford. In fact, desirable housing is next to last on my list of priorities, just ahead of charitable giving.

Good Lord, I've seen in some depressing places so far. I'm not just talking rotting-wood depressing, but rotting-possum-litters-behind-stoves- that-have-to-be-fished-out-with-a- toilet-scrubber depressing.

It sure is a conversation killer to explain to guests that what they call "pet stains" is what the coroner called "the putrefaction of the decedent." Yet that's how I discovered that area rugs are a great way to make a place more homey, and less crime-sceney.

The fact is that rough neighborhoods can offer an excellent value to the bargain renter. The faint of heart never consider how much a dicey neighborhood can lower the rental price. That's why I offer you:

Kevin's Guide to Apartment Hunting in Rough Neighborhoods

1. Go online to find your next neighborhood. Skip Craigslist and MLS and go straight to the city of Dallas' crime map. See all those colorful dots? Some may see them as "cyber pins indicative of serious crime," but I prefer to think of them as "Skittles of opportunity." Once you have found the neighborhood with the most dots, you've found home.

2. Drive the neighborhood. In a quarter hour, count the gunshots and un-neutered dogs. If the ratio is 2 to 1 and totals around 30, you've found a place to put your dvds and alcohol.

3. Look for signs. Avoid signs that say "for rent" or "for lease," as these are pricey properties meant for lottery winners and heads of state. Instead look for signs that say "keep out" or "prohibir la entrada." These are the hallmarks of a good deal.

4. Meet the landlord. A good landlord is better than a good drug dealer, but chances are he will be both. Talk with him. Communication is important between landlord and tenant. If a landlord doesn't speak English because his tongue has been removed by adversaries, move on.

5. Ask if there is a security deposit. If there is, ask if you can not pay it. Giving a landlord an interest-free loan is a horrible way to build up a financial cushion, and a great way to give his skanky girlfriend a fortnight of meth.

Finally, remember: If you simply don't feel safe in your new neighborhood and can sense your own impending strangulation with baling wire, you're in the right place.

Sunscreen

"Don't forget to wear sunscreen."

"Mom, I'm just walking to my car to get my phone," I say.

"Well, just put some on your nose so you don't die like Aunt Bell."

(Author's note: Aunt Bell died of breast cancer in 1947, but mom's always been a big-picture person.)

I take the tube of SPF 200 from her soft hand and kiss a dollop of white onto my nose. It makes me cross-eyed.

"Mom, since when did you care about sunscreen? Certainly not when I was a boy. Back then, you used to make me go out and get burned at the beginning of summer to 'get a good base.' Then I'd use aloe vera only until I could transition to vegetable oil. Now, you act like we're vampires."

"This sounds like drugs talking." Her voice breaks.

"Mom, I'm not on drugs. Sometimes I don't know why I stay here."

"I don't either. All you ever talk about is vampires and drugs. It breaks my heart."

"Mom, I know you care about me. And your concern is sweet, but – "

The steel circle of the barrel pokes into my chest and stops my breathing.

"Put on more sunscreen or I'll send your vampire-obsessed heart to be with Aunt Bell."

There is a trickle of blood coming out of her nostril. I can smell the gin as I hear the muzzle blast.

Scene.

Please note that the preceding was only a dramatization, even though it actually happened. Seriously, do you remember back when we didn't worry so much about sunscreen? Back when we were younger and cancer was something that only happened to janitors and relatives whose names you'd only seen in the front of family Bibles?

I know sunscreen is important, but I'm going to punch the next person who pushes a tube of summer-smelling stuff in my face and tells me it's time to reapply only minutes after I drained the last tube. I can't handle the pressure. I'd rather wear a beekeeper outfit while playing beach Frisbee than constantly worry that I "missed a spot."

This summer vacation, I should've punched myself, because I must have reapplied 4 million times. I've internalized all those voices of doom. I couldn't enjoy one moment under our common star without fretting about skin grafts and biopsies. Oh, to be young again.

As kids, we might have hated the weeklong lobster-red feverish skin and the achey, nauseated feeling, but we knew there was a reward. First, we'd attempt to peel the backs off our friends in long snakeskin sheets that would finally shrivel like popped gum and wrap our wrists like Saran Wrap. Then we'd get months of browned, carefree, sunkissed skin. Now we live like vampires and our mothers accuse us of drugs. What the hells?