Apartment Hunting

It has been time for me to find a new place to live for some time now and nothing sucks more than apartment hunting. I hate filling out forms, I hate paying to fill out forms, and I hate that all of the apartment complexes makes you fill out the same damn form.

Since I am in my nascent adulthood, I am not what you would call "a rich man." In fact, I am more of what you would call "a guy you would like to punch in the face." Also, I am poor (For being in my twenties).

My biggest expenses these days are either alcohol or secondhand dvds. I love shopping for those dvds being sold outside of a 7-11, especially while drunk. I would buy up to a dozen movies a month, and the fact I was never truly sober enough to watch them was never a deterrent to my acquisition.

These twin passions (possible soft-porn title) of dvds and booze left me little money for rent, so I may be forced to live in iffy locales, like Bedford. In fact, desirable housing is next to last on my list of priorities, just ahead of charitable giving.

Good Lord, I've seen in some depressing places so far. I'm not just talking rotting-wood depressing, but rotting-possum-litters-behind-stoves- that-have-to-be-fished-out-with-a- toilet-scrubber depressing.

It sure is a conversation killer to explain to guests that what they call "pet stains" is what the coroner called "the putrefaction of the decedent." Yet that's how I discovered that area rugs are a great way to make a place more homey, and less crime-sceney.

The fact is that rough neighborhoods can offer an excellent value to the bargain renter. The faint of heart never consider how much a dicey neighborhood can lower the rental price. That's why I offer you:

Kevin's Guide to Apartment Hunting in Rough Neighborhoods

1. Go online to find your next neighborhood. Skip Craigslist and MLS and go straight to the city of Dallas' crime map. See all those colorful dots? Some may see them as "cyber pins indicative of serious crime," but I prefer to think of them as "Skittles of opportunity." Once you have found the neighborhood with the most dots, you've found home.

2. Drive the neighborhood. In a quarter hour, count the gunshots and un-neutered dogs. If the ratio is 2 to 1 and totals around 30, you've found a place to put your dvds and alcohol.

3. Look for signs. Avoid signs that say "for rent" or "for lease," as these are pricey properties meant for lottery winners and heads of state. Instead look for signs that say "keep out" or "prohibir la entrada." These are the hallmarks of a good deal.

4. Meet the landlord. A good landlord is better than a good drug dealer, but chances are he will be both. Talk with him. Communication is important between landlord and tenant. If a landlord doesn't speak English because his tongue has been removed by adversaries, move on.

5. Ask if there is a security deposit. If there is, ask if you can not pay it. Giving a landlord an interest-free loan is a horrible way to build up a financial cushion, and a great way to give his skanky girlfriend a fortnight of meth.

Finally, remember: If you simply don't feel safe in your new neighborhood and can sense your own impending strangulation with baling wire, you're in the right place.