Do you remember The Noid from the Domino's commercials a few decades ago. He was a villainous red-suited character with red rabbit ears who attempted to ruin Domino's pizza but was constantly thwarted. Well that crazy pizza hating son of a bitch is back.
Growing up, Noid was a sophisticated class act, with dark eyes and never a piece of hair to be seen. He had rich parents who were professors of philosophy and economics at Harvard. By the time he was 13, Noid had academically eclipsed his parents. He spent the rest of his teenage years abroad, learning levitation with a Tibetan guru; safecracking and bomb defusing with a Parisian double agent; dancing for a time with the Stuttgart Ballet — the usual classical education.
An expert fencer and horsewoman, Noid has been a government aerospace engineer and on-call consultant for NASA. He was also an early pioneer in the creation of the laptop computer. Noid is so on top of everything, it’s easy to bore him and hard to keep him amused. No known drawbacks.
Smitten with actress Natalie Portman, he resided in an impeccable loft in downtown Los Angeles. He drove a vintage silver Mercedes convertible, license plate number 340-JAN. He worshiped Martha Stewart, despite the fact that she is cursed in the kitchen.
Then he found stardom with Domino's pizza. He played a character that was obsessed with overthrowing Domino's power and sabotaging all of their pizzas. He was a huge success and popular in the mid to late 80s. But nothing can last forever.
The fame and fortune got to The Noid's head and he pretty much became a prick.
The Noid became very wealthy, apparently making his fortune from his former real estate company ReyHam Properties, from which he swindled his business partner Eugene out of his share of the company, as well as foreign business deals, such as a Vietnamese sweatshop. Despite this wealth, The Noid could never keep his finances together and was forced to live in squalor with a drugged out Chester Cheetah in an apartment referred to by anyone who dares step into it as "a shit-hole".
Since then, he has gone through a consistent and prominent De-Evolution, drinking more and more, going to strip clubs. He also becomes more and more cruel, selfish, and greedy. Though The Noid is egotistical, diabolical, and maniacal, he appears to have some good in him; he seems to care greatly for Wendy from Wendy's. But that didn't stop his drug addiction.
The Noid became so addicted to drugs that he eventually became involved with pornography, street walking, and gambling.
The Noid became such a severe compulsive gambler that he has been seen betting on everything from grade school basketball to Russian roulette, usually with his chain smoking, and high-stakes betting ring of Vietnamese friends.
Once, during a drug induced rage, he waterboarded a Pizza Hut delivery man for looking at him the wrong way. When he was arrested, The Noid kept on repeating "I don't mean to impose, but I am the ocean."
He has had numerous run-ins with the police, having been arrested 12 times. During the time of his addiction, he was known for his debauchery. The Noid was ejected from the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, and he infamously introduced his drug dealer to Kylie Minogue during his time at MTV.
Everything changed once he met and became romantically involved with Kathy Griffin. After 8 years with her, The Noid is now a former heroin and sex addict and a recovering alcoholic.
He has abstained from drug use since 2002 and is now a patron of the addiction charity Focus 12. His abandonment of drugs and alcohol was instigated by his agent, Ronald McDonald, after The Noid was caught taking heroin in a bathroom during his Christmas party.
At Kathy's request, he regularly attends AA and NA meetings and cites his practice of the Transcendental Meditation technique as a significant factor in his recovery from drug addiction.
The Noid recently had his cousin,Kenneth Lamar Noid, move in to live with him and Kathy. On January 30, 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, a mentally ill customer who thought the Domino's ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia, Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident had ended, police Chief Reed Miller offered a memorable assessment to reporters: "He's paranoid." Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion, and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
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