The Longest Train Ride EVER

On an average day, it will take me 30 minutes to go from my office to the train parking lot where I park my car. This was not an average day. This was the train ride from HELL!!!

Apparently, a construction company was digging for something and was not smart enough to check with other companies to see if they had any important cable lines that were buried. I was they had because they cut the lines to the TRE train system and took out everything.

The train ride now took two and a half hours to get home. I was at least lucky because the remainder of the people who did not get on the ride at my stop had to take a city bus from Dallas to Fort Worth. In normal traffic that would only take about 30 to 45 minutes, in Dallas rush hour, it will take at least an hour at best.
 
Things turned ugly on the train while waiting to get to our final destination. Some people started to lose it and quickly turned to cannibalism. Passengers would tear off the heads of other fellow riders and feast on the brains from their bored bodies. Once the train finally made our arrival, the majority of the passengers were dead and the others didn’t say a word about what happened.

Some crazy things will happen to people when things don’t go the normal way. Take what happened to my cousin Walter for example, he jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

I told you crazy things happen when their transportation gets all screwed up

Aunt Denise's Party

I am proud to say that my Aunt Denise has finished her cancer treatment and is becoming healthier and healthier every day. To celebrate this special occasion, her daughters, Julie and Jackie, threw her a congratulations party and invited the entire family. Stephanie and I went to show our support and we could not have been more proud for my aunt. Stephanie, myself and the rest of the family can’t wait to celebrate this annual occasion again next year.

Starting Spring with Me and My Monkey

The best way to start the Spring Season is to see a Beatles Cover Band (Me and My Monkey), eat some overpriced hamburgers and hotdogs, and see a great fireworks show. That is how Stephanie, her family and I started and I couldnt ask for a better time.

The Best Lunch Ever

Apparently everyone needs to do a food tasting. My boss and I went to Maggiano's Italian resturant to taste what we thought would be a couple of finger foods for our reception that we will be having later in the month.

Instead, we receieved 5 appetizers, 4 entrees and 2 deserts with a mini cheesecake all for the low, low price of nothing at all. We were completely unaware that we didnt have to pay a thing for all of the food that was brought to us.

When we received our 118 plus change bill and saw that everything was comped, it was the best feeling in the wrold. We tipped out waiter a generous amount and had 5 take home boxes each. Stephanie and I ate like a king and queen for the entire weekend.

The Beach Boys

After 50 years, they are still kicking ass and Stephanie and I had a blast at their reunion concert in Grand Prairie. 2 and a half hours of sweet California Beach Music. Granted, Stephanie and I were by far the youngest people in the crowd and we also did not get the memo that everyone was supposed to wear some sort of Hawaiian apparel. Overall, it was a bad ass concert and Stephanie and I cant wait to see them again.

LTC Patrick G. Lynch

Dec. 13, 1958 - Apr. 29, 2012 Patrick Gordon Lynch was born in Ft. Worth, TX. He grew up surrounded by extended family in Kansas City, KS. Patrick was a graduate of UMKC, and the Command and General Staff College at Ft. Leavenworth, KS. Following his late father, Patrick was an aide to Congressman Alan Wheat in the 1990s. His military career began in the MO National Guard as a member of Battery D, 129th FA, President Truman's unit. He later joined the Army Reserves, achieving many commendations for his service in Europe and Korea. Since completing a tour of duty in Iraq, he worked as a civilian contractor in Afghanistan and Baghdad. While there, he constructed a radio station to broadcast music (especially Irish) to be enjoyed by his co-workers. Between deployments, he enjoyed his work in computer technology and riding his Harley. Patrick was preceded in death by his parents, Joseph A. Lynch, Jr. and Mary Bergin Lynch, and brother Kevin B. Lynch. He is survived by his brother Joseph A. Lynch III and wife Kathy; brother Brian N. Lynch and wife Rita; nephews Joseph A. Lynch IV and wife Jamel, Thomas J. Lynch, Sean M. Lynch and wife Sara, and Kevin F. Lynch; aunt Joan Bergin, many cousins, and his dear great-niece Abigail D'Agata-Lynch, whom he met for the first time after his return from Iraq in the fall of 2011. A private service will be held at Ft. Leavenworth. Memorial donations to help needy Veterans would be appreciated by: Kansas City VA, Attn: Voluntary Services, 4801 Linwood Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64128 Fond memories and condolences for the family may be left at www.stineandmcclure.com ( Arr: by D.W. Newcomer's Sons Stine & McClure Chapel, 3235 Gillham Plaza, KC, MO) D.W. Newcomer's Sons Funeral Homes, Cemeteries, Crematories.816-931-7777

Read more here: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/kansascity/obituary.aspx?n=patrick-g-lynch&pid=157482119#storylink=cpy

Kevin The Cowboy

I have decided the only path to true manhood is by becoming a cowboy.  Step one is complete, I have bought western cut boots.  They are truly beautiful.  I will be wearing them everywhere.  Today I will complete step two, buying the full outfit.  Wrangler jeans, pearl snap shirts, and starch.  Now, get along little doggies YIPPE KI YAY!!!!

Kevin The Gardner

I am going to add a new job to my resume: professional gardener. No, I should be more exact: Master Professional Gardner Extraordinaire.

Stephanie and I decided to get some flowers and vegetables to grow in a garden that we have in the front and in the back of the house.

I have tried to grow a garden before by using the Topsy Turvy upside down planters, but they tomato and strawberry plants were dead within a week. I am hoping that I will have better luck this time around.

After a couple of weeks of planting and tending to all of the flowers and vegetables, things are turning out great. We already have some green peppers growing along with a ton of cilantro and all three of our zucchini plants blooming like crazy.

Since I know so little about gardening, Stephanie got me the Gardening Handbook for Dummies. So far I haven't killed anything, but I think it is mainly due to the fact that Stephanie is in charge and she just gives me the illusion that I am doing something right. She is pretty good at that.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks, I will have an update with pictures of all of our vegetable and flower garden.

Awesomely Good Looking Nails

I just wanted everyone to know that I have awesomely good looking nails. Somehow, Stephanie talked me into getting a pedicure and manicure with her before we go to Colin and Meredith's Wedding Shower.

I have never had a manicure or pedicure before and I wish I had one much earlier in life. The experience was awesome and I could see myself getting another one in the near future. And since my nails look so great, I think I may quit my day job and become a hand model full time.

The Gossology and Risk Exhibit

Once again, it is museum time and I was full of excitement for the new exhibits that were being shown at the Fort Worth Museum of Science (yes, I know, that is a shameless plug).

Stephanie and I went to the museum on a Sunday, mainly so we could get the free entrance deal that the museum offers on the first full weekend of the month. The first thing that we did before we actually saw the exhibit was the hurricane simulator.

As Stephanie and I walked in, we saw a walk in hurricane simulator that was a little larger than a phone booth that could fit two people comfortably. We put in two dollars to start the machine and the count down officially started. An alert sound immediately began with a voice over stated that it will become extremely windy in the small booth. Air was being blown in to the small area at 78 miles per hour. If you stood right in the middle of the booth, the wind would throw you against the wall because of its strength. The simulator only lasted a couple of minutes but it was very cool.

The Grossology Exhibit is basically what it sounds like. Everything that is gross, will be on display. Actually, it is what gross things that happens inside your body. The exhibit shows you how burps, farts, and body smells are made. Some of the things that were shown were pretty darn gross. One portion that was kind of gross was the walk-in nose that people could get into.

Once in the nose, you could hear and feel a sneeze form and then, achoo!!!! You felt the full impact of a wet, boogery sneeze. It was awesome, gross, but awesome.

Other displays that were shown in the Grossology exhibit were making burps and vomit from pumping stomach acid at a fast pace, smelling different types of body parts such as armpits, , butt, bad breath, and feet.

At the end of the Grossology exhibit, you could take a quiz about how much you learned from all of the displays. Apparently Stephanie and I could not retain that much information because we both received a grade of 42%. Whoops!!

After the Grossology Exhibit, the both of us went next door to to the Risk Exhibit and immediately took the offer of laying down on be of nails. Just to make sure the nails were real, I pressed down on the nails with a little bit of force, and yes, those were some real nails that I was about to lay on.

Stephanie and I each took turns laying on the bed of nails and it didn't hurt at all. The reason for that was because of weight distribution. See, I even learn things on the weekend.

The Risk portion of the exhibit was very interesting. It was about why people take risks and who is more likely to take risks. Apparently there is one scientific study called the "White Man" theory. The basis of the study is how white men do not belief there is risk of doing simple things such as driving cars, eating foods, or riding in a plane.

At the end of the exhibit, we took another test to see how risky we are. Apparently I like to take more risks than Stephanie, which makes me more awesome.

We ended our day by taking a 4D ride through an oil rig that ended up being a big commercial for some oil company that was based in Dallas. The two of us had a great time at the museum and cant wait for a new exhibit to open soon.

The Conversation

Below is a great conversation I had with my 23 year old stripper neighbor who looks like she is pushing a rough 45:

Neighbor: Hi Kevin
Me: Hey Neighbor, how are you doing?
Neighbor: I am doing fine, just getting ready for work. I got a new job.
Me. Really? That is great
Neighbor: Yea, Cabaret North was not for me anymore. I felt I needed to be somewhere different so I quit that place and I will never do that again.
Me: Good for you then, you probably should not have been working there in the first place any way. Where are you working now?
Neighbor: Oh, I am at a place where people are treat me with respect and class. I can make my own schedule and not have to deal with assholes.
Me: Awesome, where do you work?
Neighbor: Oh, I am at Buck's Cabaret now. They are much nicer and guys will spend a lot more money on girls there. I got to go now because I am running late for my shift. You should come see me some time. Bye.


To be honest, I actually thought that she was going to tell me that she quit dancing was going back to school or something along those lines, but I cant judge her for doing that.

Twister

Here is a news article about the tornadoes that screwed everything up in my neighborhood.

ARLINGTON - A team from the Federal Emergency Management Agency spent the day in the tornado-ravaged neighborhoods of Arlington to assess damage.

FEMA's North Texas stops included looking at 66 homes that suffered serious roof and water damage on Homestead Road in South Arlington.

Spokesman Brad Craine said the damage assessment team came at the request of Gov. Rick Perry to verify what he saw during an aerial and ground tour last week. The team surveyed damage and also looked into who was and who wasn't insured.

Resident Greg Nichols told News 8 while he welcomes any assistance from FEMA, he said their presence was late. Six days after the tornado hit, he's still struggling to rebuild half his townhouse, while also preventing additional damage.

Nichols and other homeowners in the neighborhood said the local community has offered tremendous support through the past week, but said the federal government was slow to deliver.

Craine said the response was quick. The tornadoes hit North Texas Tuesday, and damage assessments began Friday.

Once FEMA wraps up its work in Arlington, the team will present an overall damage assessment of Dallas, Kaufman and Tarrant counties to the governor. It's then up to Perry to decide if he wants to ask President Barack Obama for a disaster declaration, which would bring federal money and assistance to neighborhoods in need.

The tornado that blew through Arlington was an EF2 tornado, which packs winds of up to 135 mph. The tornado badly damaged at least 100 homes and shut down the Green Oaks Nursing Home and Residential Center after blowing off its roof.

St. Paddy's Day Parade 2012

Nothing says "I am proud to be Irish" like acting like a bunch of drunken hooligans in the streets of Dallas screaming at poorly made "floats".

Early on Saturday Morning, Stephanie, Colin, Meredith, Jessica, and myself boarded the TRE train in Fort Worth and headed East to Dallas.

By the second stop on the train, it was standing room only in what seemed like an endless sea of green. And when the train reached its final destination in Downtown Dallas, you could not tell when the sea of green ended or began.

Our group got off in the the Lower Greenville, grabbed a quick hot dog, 12 pack of beer, and headed toward to 30th Annual St. Paddy's Day Parade.

After quickly grabbing a spot with a good view, it was time to enjoy the parade the only way we know how: beer and people watching. And trust me, there were a ton of people watching available. One of my favorite strange person sightings was an overly tanned 50 year old woman ranting and raving about how the government is spying on everyone by tapping your phones and secretly implanting GPS Devices in your teeth.

When the parade finally started, it was time to be somewhat entertained by the "floats" and tons of high school alt rock bands that were absolutely horrible. One high school rock band just decided to give up and just scream as loud as they could while throwing candy at the spectators.

About halfway through the parade, we spotted Stephanie's friend Amy who was with the Dallas Roller Derby Group throwing green tortillas at everyone. At this point, our group decided that it was time to get some more drinks and find a different view of the parade.

As we made our way for a different vantage point, Colin went to get some more drinks for the group while the rest of us got in line for the public restrooms. We would soon find out this would be a mistake due to everyone taking their sweet ass time in the port o pottys.

Since the line was incredibly long, Meredith was contemplating a risky move. She wanted to just go to a random person's apartment and use their restroom. While she was talking about this out loud, I happen to notice a local celebrity who graced the City of Dallas with her presence. It was Psycho Shannon from the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Radio Show.

As Meredith and Shannon were talking, they decided to actually just go to some random apartment and use their restroom since they were both in dire need to find a somewhat clean bathroom. The duo then set off on a quest to find a bathroom and not get abducted at the same time.

15 minutes later, the girls come back after accomplishing their goal of using a stranger's bathroom and ultimately knocking off a task from their bucket list. The funny thing about their long disappearance was our group became convinced that Shannon had abducted and planned to forcefully marry Meredith. This topic started because Shannon is a well known lesbian and we just thought it would be funny if Meredith left her male fiance for local semi famous lesbian celebrity.

It turns out that waiting for the bathroom was a terrible idea. The whole time we were waiting for the bathroom, the parade had come and gone. The streets were now empty with the exception of trash and drunken people either passing out or puking.

On our way back to the the train to go home, two things happened that I probably will never forget. The first thing that happen was meeting Nicki, a contestant from the most recent Bachelor.

The way we met her was pretty funny and embarrassing. Nicki and her gay entourage would walk around in front of bars and accidentally drop something. When someone would help to pick up whatever the guys dropped, they would say "Hey, isn't that Nicki from the Bachelor". Apparently Nicki and her friends would do this so they could get free drinks or some sort of publicity. I thought it was just embarrassing because she needed that much attention.

I cant say too many bad things about her because she did offer Stephanie and I a shot from her bottle of whatever disgusting licorice drink she had with her. We both took a quick drink from the bottle and Stephanie was convinced that I now have "Bachelor" Herpes since I drank right out of the bottle.

The second most awesome thing I was that day was a guy piss himself and how the crowd reacted toward him. Stephanie and I got into a much shorter and faster line to use the restroom and everyone was in high spirits. Strangers were laughing and talking to each just celebrating the hell out of St. Paddy's Day.

When the drunk guy who would later piss himself got in line, he just seemed like a really happy drunk guy. He was talking and joking with girls and giving guys smart ass, yet extremely funny one liners as he ease dropped into their conversations.

One thing should have tipped us off about exactly how bad he needed to use the bathroom. No matter who he talked to, he kept on saying how he needed to take the worlds biggest piss. A couple of minutes had passed and the drunk guy was now next in line. This was his moment that he had been waiting for for the past 20 minutes or so and he blew it.

While waiting in line, the drunk fellow just couldn't take so much pressure that was building in up in his bladder and just pissed himself right in front of everyone. The sad thing was the the drunk guy who pissed himself realized what he did, lowered his head and walked away in a full state of embarrassment while still peeing himself.

Since everyone saw this, the entire crowd quickly stepped away from him while trying their best to get our their camera phones in order to record this once in a life time experience that probably happened at every corner during the parade.. The second he started to walk away, the bathroom that he was waiting for became available for him. If this guy just held it in for 30 more seconds, he would have saved himself from public shame and humiliation.

After the "Drunk Guy Piss" fiasco, Stephanie and I knew it was time to go. Spending all day outside with thousand of drunken buffoons was enough for us. We met up with the rest of the group and called it a day. One thing I wish I did that day was wear sunscreen. I need to remember that a Ginger with my fare complexion will burn easier, even if it is on a holiday that celebrates drinking and extremely pale people.

Birthday Dinner

Well it is that time of the year again for me to turn a year older and somewhat wiser.

This year, I decided to take it easy and just have a nice dinner with some friends. But before I can tell you about that, I need to tell you about the night before.

Since Friday was my actual birthday, I turned 29 by the way, Stephanie took my out to a Mexican Restaurant called Miguelitos after she showered me with some very thoughtful and special gifts and homemade red velvet brownies.

The restaurant was awesome. Miguelitos had some pretty damn good food and even tastier margaritas. Plus, the sopapillas weren't too bad either.

The next night, Stephanie and I had a small birthday dinner party at one of my favorite BYOB Italian restaurants: Dino's.

Even though I have only been to Dino's a handful of times, it has quickly become one of my favorite places to eat, mainly because it was a BYOB place.

I had a nice turn out for my 29th annual birthday celebration. Stephanie, Ogle, Meagan, their 2 year old son Caleb, Trl, Natalie, Billy, Brittany, Amy, Colin, Paul, Katie, their 2 month old son Mark, Brian, and Jess. And I cant forget the ton of wine and beer that people brought for this special occasion.

Over the next several hours, it seemed that we, along with another birthday group, took over the entire restaurant. Stories were being told, or in my case retold for the 20th time, jokes were being made, bottles of wine and beer were being disposed in our empty stomachs for nutrients, and Caleb was running all over the place trying to destroy anything and everything in his path.

As the night went on, several people had to leave either due to prior engagements or family reasons. The remainder of the group decided to go the the P and K Tavern, aka Paul and Katie's house, because the restaurant closed at 10 and we were still there way passed that time.

After an hour or so at the P and K Tavern and several rounds of Beer Battleship later, it was time to call it a night and head home. It was a classy was to celebrate my birthday, but now I have to top it for my 30th birthday. I am thinking multiple bounce houses and kegs will have to be included in the festivities.

CSI: Miami Dreams

For some reason I have been having some weird dreams, but none were more annoying than my recent set of dreams.

Recently, I have been dreaming that I am David Caruso doing is famous one lines from CSI: Miami. An example of one of my dreams was when I just found a dead body in an industry freezer and I say "Looks like we have a cold case on our hands". Another dream started by police finding a few dead bodies in the lake, my response was "Look at this catch of the day".

I have been having dreams of just those cold opening scenes for a couple of nights now. He are a couple examples of them.

Nasty Hippie Train Girl

Oh, the joys of meeting new people on the train. One day you could be seating to someone who does not want to be bothered even if the train is on fire or you could be sitting next to a Chatty Cathy who will tell you everything about their life, no matter how personal it is.

On the way home from work one day, Christi, Zach, and I were looking for a place to sit on the train when we saw three open seats in a four top section. The person who was there had her headphones on and seemed to be listening to music.

While Christi, Zach, and I were talking, the girl, who was dressed like a hippie, asked me to listen to her band. I did and complimented her music. She immediately asked me to compare her band to a popular band. I told her that it sounded like Broken Social Scene (which is an awesome band by the way, but her band was not) and she seemed to be very grateful of the answer.

The girl then quickly put on her headphones and started to listen to more music, or at least, that is what I thought. As Christi, Zach and I were talking, the girl would interrupt at random parts of our conversation with even more random insane thoughts of her own.

At one point of her annoying views of life, she started to go on a rant about people eating sandwiches on the train. The nasty hippie girl stated that it was very rude and unsanitary. As she kept on going on and on, she reached into her huge over sized purse and took out a tambourine and a small can of tuna fish. As she kept on with her anti sandwich speech, she opened up the small can of tuna and started to eat the tuna out of the can with her fingers.

The more passionate she became about the sandwiches, the more tuna she would stuff in her mouth and then spit it out while talking. Our table quickly resembled the front row of a Gallagher concert. The smell alone would make anyone want to jump off the moving train to their death instead of suffering one more minute of that horrendously nauseating odor.

It had to be the longest 30 minute train ride I have ever experienced, until she stood up. As Christi and I were getting off at our train stop, Nasty Hippie Girl decided that this would be the best time to stand up and attempt to talk about all of her body art. I would say tattoos, but she hates that term more than she hates sandwiches.

When make up free Nasty Hippie Girl stood up, her three sizes too small of a shirt was clinging to each piece of thread like its life depended on it. Christi and I quickly excused ourselves as we were getting out of our seats.

I am always one to meet new people, but there is no way in hell that I want to sit with that crazy girl again.

Top Golf

How would you want to spend your best friend's 29th birthday who is obsessed with everything golf related? You go to Top Golf of course.

What is Top Golf? Just about the coolest place in the world, that is what Top Golf is!

Top Golf is a driving range that is like a giant dart board. People hit golf balls that are equipped with a GPS to one of the holes in the field. The closer you get to one of the holes, the more points you will receive. This place is in The Hall of Fame of Awesome for being, well, pretty damn awesome.

Ogle and his wife invited a bunch of people out to go to Top Golf Dallas for his birthday. And in order to celebrate his last year in his twenties, they had reserved the Executive Suite on the second balcony with couches, heaters, tables, and chairs (oh my).

We arrived at this huge outdoor arena around 5 and immediately started to hit some golf balls. At my station, my opponents were Trl, Billy, Colin, and Dusty while at the other station was Ogle, Ryan, Cesar, and some other guy who I think was Chad. And guess what, I was certifiable bad ass that night by not only winning the game, but being the only one to get a hole in one.

As we were working hard on perfecting our golf swing, the ladies (either wives, girlfriends, or fiances of the men) were doing something very important: drinking. It was a tough job to do, but those ladies did it in style. I have seen a group of ladies drink a lot of beer while talking about how to lower mortgage payments by a grand and then using the savings to go to Cabo for a week vacation.

To be fair, the hole in one was a complete accident. As I said before, each ball has a GPS in it and in order to activate it, you had to drop in a hole. At one point of the evening, I hit the ball as hard as I could and instead of the ball soaring in front of me like it should have, it went straight up in the air and right into the activation hole. It may not be an official hole in one, but it was still a hole in one in my book.

The party went on until 10 and everyone had a blast. There was plenty of pizza, hamburgers, fries, sandwiches, and beer for everyone to enjoy and to take home as well. This was clearly a great place to have a birthday party.

New Job

Apparently I was doing a decent enough of job in my old position that I received a job promotion. I will go from a Records Specialist to the Education Assistant Coordinator of Pediatrics and will be in charge of 9 residents and be an assistant to 2 of the pediatric directors. I start on the 27th of February and I will expect to drop the ball in a major way in less than a week.

Shark Guts

Yes, you read the title correct. This post will be about shark guts.

A couple of weeks ago, Stephanie and I braved the cold and rainy weather to head to Dallas for a hearty breakfast at The All Good Cafe and head to The Nature and Science Museum at Fairpark for the Shark exhibit.

The only thing I knew about this exhibit was that it included sharks and had a live dissection of a shark. Obviously, fun was going to be had by all on this awesome day.

Stephanie and I started the museum by visiting the children's portion of the museum. We learned how fast a sneeze will come out of your nose, how DNA works, and played with sound waves as well.

After a couple of hours, it was time for the shark dissection. I have been waiting for this since I first heard about it earlier in the week.

We arrived in a small auditorium and were the first ones to pick out seats and watch the cutting begin. I was filled with so much anticipation, it was somewhat embarrassing.

Once the instructor started to give his speech about different types of sharks, all I wanted him to do was the shut the hell up (his lecture ending up being interesting and educational) and cut the shark up. And just like that, my dream was about to come true.

The instructor was having a field day slicing the dogfish shark up into many parts. At one point, the instructor cut open the stomach and pulled out pieces of old undigested fish and shrimp and displayed it to the visitors like it was some kind of prize.

After he sliced and diced the shark like he was Gordon Ramsey, it was time for the audience to out on some gloves and shove our hands into that killer beast of the sea. But as we started to stand up, all of the kids jumped in the line like they were some sort of gazelle in their natural habitat.

Since the line was way too long for Stephanie and I, we decided that it would be a good idea to check out the other exhibits and come back to inspect the shark and all of its innards.

The other exhibits were very interesting to see. There were tons of shark teeth, fins, pictures of people who survived shark attacks and people who didn't. One of the most interesting things that we saw were all of the different types of shark head fossils. The teeth in some of the jaws of the shark were crazy looking. One bite from some of these sharks look liked it could rip your flesh off in a million little pieces with just one quick flinch of the jaw.

Our shark exhibit ended right in front of the shark dissection portion of the exhibit. Stephanie and I quickly grabbed a pair of gloves, told a couple of kids that there is not Santa Claus and pushed them out of the way, and got in line to feel some shark guts.

To be honest, the shark guts felt extremely slippery and gross, but bad ass at the same time. We got to touch every part of the shark that we could. Heart, lungs, pancreas, stomach, you name it, I touched it. It was awesome.

After feeling up the shark, Stephanie and I saw an IMax movie about a turtle giving tours of the deep blue see while warning us of all of the dangers sharks can be. After the 90 minute movie, we saw the Nature Museum in Fairpark and called it a day.

Visiting the shark exhibit was an awesome way to spend a rainy Saturday. We already have our next museum trip planned out: The Grossology in Fort Worth.

Valentine's Day Massacre

Most people like to celebrate Valentine's Day by either going out for a nice romantic dinner or cooking in and showering your significant other with flowers and chocolates. I like to do the exact same thing, but I also like to throw in a haunted house in to the equation.

Valentine's Day actually started the night before for The Condiment Kid and I. After I got off of work, she surprised me with a great homemade dinner that consisted of fresh asparagus, applesauce, and the best lobster tail that I have ever had.

And that wasn't the end of it. Stephanie surprised me by setting up the dinner table like you would find one at a small romantic restaurant. She did a fantastic and wonderful job.

Later on in the night, we had some wine and then watched our guilty pleasure shows known as The Lying Game and Alcatraz.

The following night, which is Tuesday, February 14th, is officially Valentine's Day. I wanted to do something special for Stephanie so I decided that I would cook dinner instead of going out.

I made tequila lime shrimp and tilapia soft tacos with Spanish rice and a house salad. Valentine's day wouldn't be complete with fresh flowers and a half dozen chocolate covered strawberries for desert. I don't mean to brag, but I like to think that I did a decent job.

After dinner, Stephanie and I met up with her best friend Amy to go to one of Stephanie's favorite places in the world. A haunted house.

The Haunted House was called the St Valentine's Day Massacre, which was located in a hidden corner of a strip mall. To be honest, I am not one for haunted houses because I don't like to pay money for people to scare the living hell out of me, but this was one damn good haunted house.

The Haunted House seemed to take over at least two vacant store fronts and took at least 25 minutes to complete in its entirety.

Everything you expect to be in a haunted house was in full effect in this complex. People were jumping from the walls, ceilings, tombs and even a fake children's nursery.

Overall, it was a fantastic Valentine's Day and I may have some tricks up my sleeve for next year's February 14th.

Zombie Musical Dream

The dream starts off with me recognizing that I'm no longer trying to go to sleep in my bed because I'm now standing with a shot gun in the middle of an almost never ending field of knee high grass. My shoes aren't on, which is a funny feeling since I can feel the grass shift in between my toes, so I realize that I must be dreaming because I have a shotgun but no shoes.

Weird logic, but that's how it went, so I guess that makes it a low level lucid dream.

Anyways, I decide I might as well get this dream over with, so I start walking through the grass towards a hill in the distance. Once I reach the top of the hill, I see to the other side that there's not only more grass, but a crowd of randomly dressed people huddled in front of the door of a building with gorgeous looking windows.

When I get closer, they notice me and my gun, and approach me, asking me to use it to help them get rid of the danger in their library. They lead me over to the windows to let me see what I'd be dealing with, and I see a bunch of undead corpses standing facing different bookshelves. Just standing stock still, staring at the shelves, making tiny movements with their heads that you can see from their twitching neck tendons (I didn't actually see their heads move, but their necks did the motions).

A lady from the crowd pulls out a chicken with a rope around it's legs from nowhere. She then slits its neck, opens the door and flings in the chicken, and one of the zombies perks up and starts chasing after it, and she pulls the rope so it would chase it outside.

When the zombie is out of the library, with me having my left shoulder facing the windows, it shields its eyes from the sun and turns over to me. I raise my gun ready to shoot, and it opens its mouth and starts singing the word "Wait!" in an opera-esque voice. I falter, end up misfiring, and shoot the building by accident.

It continues to sing in a deep, reverberating voice of why they won't eat us, and other zombies start to file out and sing too, not like a chorus to the main one, but mixing in and out for the focus singer.

The first zombie never looks at anybody else, seemingly singing to me and me alone, which makes my skin crawl, and as his jaw gets closer and closer to falling off with each note (while he gets closer and closer to me, making me stumble and fall on my butt), the other zombies mix in with the crowd. Still singing, they make graceful motions towards the crowd of survivors, and each one picks up one onto its shoulder and raises its free hand from its hip to level with its shoulder in a waving motion before disappearing and leaving me by myself in that field with a library.

After hearing such a beautiful song (Which I wish I knew more about opera to be able to place a good example of what it could sound like), I try to think of a reason to stay alive in this dream, because if I stay alive, something else will take up the memory of that song. The more I contemplated it, the less of the song I could remember, so I freaked out and decided right there to end the dream with my usual method by killing myself with the shotgun

Thank god I had that gun, or else I probably wouldn't have been able to leave till something else got me.

3D Movies Are Awesome

Last week, I saw my first 3D movie and it was awesome. For the longest time I was against 3D movies because I thought it was just a cheap tactic the movie companies would use in order to get more income for a movie. But that all changed when I saw a Disney gem.

And what was that Disney Gem that took my 3D movie virginity away, Beauty and The Beast of course. Yes, you read that right, it was Beauty and The Beast.

Stephanie and I went to see the movie at Grapevine Mills and at first she didn't believe that I have never seen a 3D movie before since I have seen 40 times the amount of movies that she has. Once she finally believed me, she promptly started to make jokes about it.

I remember seeing the movie as a child in theatres but after seeing it again almost 20 years later in 3D seemed to be much more enjoyable this time around. Even the previews, the end credits, and the 10 minute cartoon short was in 3D.

If is safe to say that I have jumped on the popular band wagon and now want to see everything in 3D. I blame Stephanie for this.

Some Quick Dreams With Meanings

One of the Christmas gifts that I received this past year was a dream book. Here are some of the dreams that either I or my friends had at some point.

One dream that I recently had was in the form of a montage. It was just bits and pieces of fast action that ultimately lead to nothing spectacular at all, just me waking up. During my dream, the Montage song from Team America was playing and you can hear it here.

A dream that one of my friends had was that he wet his bed so much that the room filled with pee and he almost drowned.

A while back I had a dream that left me rushing for air when I woke up. When I fell asleep I could hear myself running. I could feel the wind rushing past my face and the ground beneath my feet as I ran full force. I knew I was in a wooded area because of the shuffling leaves and the twigs snapping beneath my feet. The worst part was that the whole time I was blind. I couldn't see anything around me but all of my other senses were heightened. The dream got really intense because I started to run faster and I could hear myself breathing harder and harder. That lasted for about two seconds when out of nowhere I just fell. I fell over a cliff or into a hole or something very large because I just kept falling until I woke up gasping for air.

I will post more dreams later on if I can remember them.

They Caught The Bastards

The police were finally able to catch the douchbags that broke into over 20 last week. I really wish Samuel L Jackson was there to have his property stolen and then have a reporter ask him if the thieves deserved to pay for thier crimes if they were caught. Of course Samuel L Jackson has only one way to respond to a question like this, "Yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell".

Below is another local news report about the capture of the criminals.

DALLAS - "It looked like moving day," says Police Lt. Dan Birbeck of a car loaded with stolen goods.

31-year old Valentino Martinez, 17-year old Eduardo Moreno, and 19-year old Juan Zamorra are all charged with burglary.

Police at Parkland Hospital say, the trio started their crime spree in Hurst, Wednesday. 18 cars were broken-into at a TRE Station and a Honda CRV taken.

Thursday morning, cars at the World Trade Center in Dallas and a DART park & ride were also hit.

Thursdayafternoon, a person inside the Lofland parking garage at Parkland Hospital reported three men walking through the rows of cars acting suspiciously.

Police surrounded the garage and say they found the men sitting inside the stolen Honda CRV which was packed with items taken from the burglaries.

"Womens purses, luggage... stolen guitars, credit cards, stacks of radios," says Lt. Birbeck.

Lt. Birbeck says it was quite a find. They are working to return the stolen items to the owners, but some property is still unclaimed.

The Break In

Last week, my car was broken in to at the train station that I park at everyday. Below is a local new report of the crime. And the only damage that I had to my car was a broken window and a broken stereo. The only thing that the theives stole was my empty gym bag.

Police are looking for the thieves who broke into nearly 20 cars Thursday in broad daylight, in the parking lot of a Trinity Railway Express (TRE) station. One car is was also stolen from the parking station.

A crime of this magnitude is a first.

“We’ve never had it happen with us before,” said Tony Johnson, the executive vice president of the Fort Worth Transportation Authority. “When we’ve had car break-ins usually it’s one or two cars. This was 18 cars broken into and one stolen.”

The thieves damaged so many cars at the Hurst Bell Station, at the corner of Bell Spur Drive and Trinity Boulevard in Hurst that it ranks as one of the worst cases of North Texas vandalism.
While there are surveillance cameras at the station having them there doesn’t guarantee the crimes were captured on video.

“The problem is they have a DVD and once the memory on that DVD fills up it starts writing over itself, so there’s a good possibility that it may have taped over the activity,” explained Johnson.

The vandals ripped out dashboards and took everything from radios and GPS systems, to gifts and personal property.

There is security at the Hurst Bell Station, but it is limited.

“We couldn’t afford to put a security officer there, at all the stations, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, that would just be too cost prohibitive since we don’t charge people to park there,” Johnson said.

Until those responsible for the crime spree are caught, Johnson said security and law enforcement presence at the station will be increased.

“We have 26 police officers that work for us, out there on a regular basis and they’ll be out there monitoring and watching. We also have security officers that will be out there,” he said. “We do have police officers that are riding the trains; they don’t particularly get off and walk through the parking lots, although we are changing that until we can apprehend these guys.”

Johnson believes the crimes most likely happened in the middle of the day when the station is generally empty and trains only run every 45 minutes.

So hopefully they will find the people who broke in to all of the cars soon.

John Michael and Laura Betik Got Hitched

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...Luckly, I did not attend a wedding with this type of true love. I attended a Betik wedding.

"What is a Betik Wedding?" you may be asking. Well, it is one of the craziest Czech wedding ceremonies and receptions that I have attended.

John Michael Betik and Laura Driggers, who have met in the 5th grade, decided it was time to
get married in the scenic Dripping Springs, Texas (which is a little outside of Austin).

The non denominational wedding ceremony only lasted about 20 minutes and had one a guy who looked just like "Whitey" from Me, Myself, and Irene as a groomsman. His name was "Mad" Mike and he could throw down the F bomb like he was a poet. Now, I just met Mad Mike and heard him curse at least 10 times in a 3 minute time period while waiting for the guarder toss. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

The weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding in January. It was sunny and cool during the actually ceremony and stayed like that for the majority of the night, especially during the cocktail hour that immediately followed the nuptials.

The venue for this party was non other than the Vista Ridge Resort. It had a rustic feel to everything, which gave it that special John Micheal and Laura touch to it. A cool thing about it was that there weren't any fancy glasses to drink out of, just mason jars. And that was just one of many cool things at the wedding.

Many other things at the wedding was a photo booth, names cards with musicians on them in order to find your table, and the wedding march.

Now, the wedding march is one hell of a crazy thing to describe, so I will do the best that I can. Basically, the men and women stand side by side (the ladies are on the left, guys on the right). The walk, dance, or run down the aisle with each other and then split up at the end of the hall. We then meet up with our dates at the other end of the hall and hold hands high to form a tunnel. The entire group then goes through the tunnel and continues to form a non stop tunnel until the bride and groom go to the middle of the dance floor to be surrounded by everyone for their dance.

One thing that always throws me off about this dance, is what happens to the people who are forming the endless wall. I don't know who started this tradition, but when a guy goes through the man manned tunnel, he, apparently, has full authority to punch another guy straight in the balls. And by punch, I don't mean hit someone as hard as you can. You just give them a quick slap tap to the nuts. Girls are not untouchable in this tunnel of forced love. Every once in awhile, a girl will get her butt grabbed by a random non relative, and if you are a lucky 28 year old girl, your ass will grabbed by a frisky 12 year old boy.

The rest of the night went by without a snag. The mother/son dance, the father/daughter dance, the bouquet toss, the guarder toss, and the grand celebration came to an end with everyone having a blast. But the festivities didn't quite end there.

The after party at the hotel went on through out the night with everyone drinking and eating bbq from the wedding. I went to bed before everything finally came to a end for the night with everyone having a headache the next morning as a reminder of how much they partied the night before.

Wedding Season has Officially Started

We are only 11 days into 2012 and the wedding season has officially started for me and wont end until later this year.

The first wedding I attended was for a fraternity friend during the first weekend of the year in Amarillo, Texas (aka Satan's Taint). It was the longest six hour drive I have done mainly because when you look out the window, there is absolutely nothing to look at. Just a vast view of isolation and destitute. If you were lucky, you got to drive through an old racist town that had at least 2 working gas pumps and a non drive thru Arby's restaurant (which is the official restaurant of Satan's Taint).

The wedding itself was quick and painless, minus a couple of over reactions from the groomzilla and a choreographed dance in a middle of a speech.

The main sources of entertainment for this wedding was the prank war that was started with my room, which consisted of Colin, Trl, and myself, versus Frank. We stole his left dress shoe, all of the toilet paper in his room, put every piece of furniture on his bed, and gave him a 5 am wake up call. He just put a do not disturb sign on our door.

The other source of entertainment we had was a life sized stuffed Spiderman doll we brought with us and a trip to Cadillac Ranch where anyone can spray paint 10 1940 Cadillacs that are buried half way into the ground. It sounds stupid, be it was pretty cool to see.

My second wedding of the year will be during the second weekend of January for my friends John Michael Betik and Laura Driggers in Dripping Springs, Texas. I am actually very excited about this wedding because I always a great time at a Betik Wedding.

I looked at my calendar and I have either a wedding or a bachelor party to attend every month from January to October. I am in several of the weddings and will try to attend all of the parties and weddings which means I have to start saving for everything starting now because it will be expensive to pay for all of the hotel rooms, booze, gifts, and probably some bail money for the bachelor parties.

To keep up the excitement from the same wedding routine that I will follow almost every month, I will change my persona for some of the weddings that I will be attending. At one wedding, I may act like I am from Vermont with an emerging maple syrup conglomerate since I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds up my hair and keeps it so slick.

I don't know what I will do at the other weddings, but I am sure that I can think of something.

New Year, Same Guilty Pleasures

New Years has come and gone and people are still trying to work on their 2012 resolutions. My resolutions are the usual: lose weight, save money, work on whatever I always wanted to do, and etc.

My problem for this year is what should I do for my "etc." portion of my 2012 resolution list. The conclusion I came up with is new to me. I am going to keep up with my guilty pleasures and not try to reduce them one bit.

I figure that I will continue to watch horrible teenage drama shows on ABC Family, damn you Lying Game for being surprisingly great and bad at the same time, keep on making stupid, immature kid jokes, and attempt to consume as many bread products as possible.

But if I start eating nothing but bread, I am more than sure that I will triple in size by March with the assistance of whatever crazy concoction the Condiment Kid will produce and pass off as a delicious dipping sauce (which they usually are).

So after much serious thought and consideration, I finally wrote a 2012 Resolution List that is very attainable and challenging at the same time and starting tomorrow I will:

1). Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
2). Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
3). Stop licking frozen flag poles.
4). Watch more movie remakes.
5). Go back to school to avoid paying my student loans.
6). Only eat white snow (I have been tricked too many times)
7) Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed.
8). Spend less than $1825 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
9). Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes
10). Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube
11). Check my work e-mail account at least once this year
12). Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out
13). Watch less T.V…. in standard definition
14). Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
15). Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s McRib and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost covered windshield
16). Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play “Rock Band,” instead of a real guitar
17). Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years
18). Talk with a robot voice all the time
19). Lose weight by hiding it someone you'll never find it.
20). Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
21). Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year's holidays.
22). Start smoking to lose weight
23). Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15
24). Start buttering my doughnuts with only I Cant Believe Its Not Butter
25). Eat more fruit... snacks

Even though I have a long list, I am more than confident that I can succeed at all of these resolutions in order to make a successful 2012.

Office Etiquette and Pet Peeves

I have worked in a office setting since I graduated from high school and I know some basic office etiquette rules that must be followed on a daily basis in order not to cause any fights or tense moments with co workers. One of my co workers, on the other hand, does not know any of these rules.

On Thursday, December 29, our department was informed that there was a good chance that we would get to leave early the next day for New Years Eve. According to our company policy, we can only shut down on major holidays which meant that someone had to stay until 5. Since there were only 3 of us on Friday, I figured it wouldn't be that hard to come to an agreement on who would stay. I, of course, was completely wrong.

The three of us that had to work on Friday were Alma, Melissa, and myself. Since Melissa was taking Monday and Tuesday off in order to have a 4 day weekend for her birthday that was on Monday, Alma and I thought it would be fair for us to leave early on Friday. We came to this conclusion since Alma wanted to spend as much time her son as possible before he went back to the Army and I only had a regular two day weekend. This decision was not acceptable to Melissa at all.

Apparently, Melissa is one of those people who believe that she needs an entire weekend to celebrate her birthday. And not just a regular weekend, but she requires to extend it with 2 additional days. She is also the type of person that if she doesn't get her way, she will bitch and moan about it until she does.

After 20 minutes of explaining to her why it was fair for her to stay until 5, which is just an extra 30 minutes than what she usually she stays anyway, she agreed on the condition that we buy her a foot long from Subway. The three of us agreed on the conditions and shook on it and made it official.

Five minutes later, Melissa is in Alma's office complaining that she feels that she was pressured into staying an extra 30 minutes and wanted to go back on the deal that she just made. For 10 minutes I had to hear Melissa complain on how she wanted to leave early and go home to watch soap operas instead of work. This is the first time that I have ever heard of a girl about to turn 30 who would rather watch soap operas than do something productive or at least entertaining with extra time off of work.

Several long, excruciating minutes later, the three of us reached a new agreement. Melissa would still get a foot long Subway sandwich and she would now come in 30 minutes later than scheduled so she would not have to work any overtime.

At this point, Melissa was ecstatic and happy over the new deal because her friends will get off of work the same time and she could just meet them right after work instead of having nothing to do for a couple of hours. I thought that would be the end of it since everyone was happy. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, we did not know if we were even going to be allowed to leave early or not on Friday.

The next morning, I woke up to the following bull shit text message on my phone from Melissa:

"I got ZERO sleep last night, I want u both to know how hurt I am by the
both of u. Alma, its up 2 u if u work or not on your bday...I choose not 2 work
on mine. The ONLY big holiday that I care about and is "mine" is New
Years...b-days may not b important 2 u guys, but it always has been & always
will b a big deal 2 me.

At least 1 of u could have said, listen we
were talking, & since it's ur bday, 1 of us will stay & u can go. Thank
u both for ruining my weekend, my new years & my 30th birthday."

At first, I started to laugh because I thought that this text message could be not serious at all. But then I reread the text and became annoyed as hell. One of my pet peeves is when people shorten words by only using a letter or a number. Instead of writing "birthdays may not be important to you guys, but it always has been and always will be bid deal to me" she wrote "b-days may not b important 2 u guys, but it always has been & always will b a big deal 2 me. "

If you cant actually spell out a word and tell me something, then I am not going to take it seriously, especially if it involves something stupid like the message above. I don't like to have a conversation and talk like an infant. I can understand if that Friday was her actual birthday, but it wasn't. It was on January 2 and that extra 30 minutes she stayed had no effect on her important "holiday" anyway.

When I came to work on Friday, she acted like everything was ok until 3 pm and Alma and I got to leave early. She started to complain again and acted like a 4 year old girl who didn't get her way.

On a side note, I had one hell of a good New Years this year and cant wait to see what 2012 has in store.

My 2012 Horoscope

This year puts you back in your wonderful watery element, Pisces. First off, Neptune, your ruling planet, will be moving back into your constellation in February for its full cyclic residency. You got a taste of this mystical infusion in 2011; now you can fully immerse yourself in the oceanic bliss of inspiration, oneness and compassion for the duration of 2012. You'll feel like you've come home to your true self. Whether you're an artist, healer or closet mystic, you'll have no choice but to move toward fulfilling the deeper longings of your soul. No longer can you deny how truly empathic and sensitive you are. It's time to channel those special qualities into proper use!

You'll be doing quite a bit of digging into your past (and even your ancestral roots) for answers this year as Venus, Jupiter and May's new Moon solar eclipse make significant contact with the core of your horoscope. This is the perfect opportunity to finally sever old fears, guilt or regrets. Consider 2012 your year to move forward into the present! You've been haunted by the ghosts of your past long enough.

Your career continues to evolve nicely under the auspices of 2012. You may experience some kind of radical peak around the full Moon eclipse in June impacting your career house - watch for significant meetings and messages around this time. The events and results of an eclipse usually take about six months to fully develop, so be patient and watch. Jupiter will offer his generous luck and assistance in your communication sector for the first half of the year until he moves on to your domestic sector. Get all your writing and other important correspondence finished before June, because the second half of 2012 could have you consumed in a hunt for a new home. Fortunately, things look quite lucky for you in real estate during the second half of the year, when Jupiter enters your domestic sector.