St. Paddy's Day Parade 2012

Nothing says "I am proud to be Irish" like acting like a bunch of drunken hooligans in the streets of Dallas screaming at poorly made "floats".

Early on Saturday Morning, Stephanie, Colin, Meredith, Jessica, and myself boarded the TRE train in Fort Worth and headed East to Dallas.

By the second stop on the train, it was standing room only in what seemed like an endless sea of green. And when the train reached its final destination in Downtown Dallas, you could not tell when the sea of green ended or began.

Our group got off in the the Lower Greenville, grabbed a quick hot dog, 12 pack of beer, and headed toward to 30th Annual St. Paddy's Day Parade.

After quickly grabbing a spot with a good view, it was time to enjoy the parade the only way we know how: beer and people watching. And trust me, there were a ton of people watching available. One of my favorite strange person sightings was an overly tanned 50 year old woman ranting and raving about how the government is spying on everyone by tapping your phones and secretly implanting GPS Devices in your teeth.

When the parade finally started, it was time to be somewhat entertained by the "floats" and tons of high school alt rock bands that were absolutely horrible. One high school rock band just decided to give up and just scream as loud as they could while throwing candy at the spectators.

About halfway through the parade, we spotted Stephanie's friend Amy who was with the Dallas Roller Derby Group throwing green tortillas at everyone. At this point, our group decided that it was time to get some more drinks and find a different view of the parade.

As we made our way for a different vantage point, Colin went to get some more drinks for the group while the rest of us got in line for the public restrooms. We would soon find out this would be a mistake due to everyone taking their sweet ass time in the port o pottys.

Since the line was incredibly long, Meredith was contemplating a risky move. She wanted to just go to a random person's apartment and use their restroom. While she was talking about this out loud, I happen to notice a local celebrity who graced the City of Dallas with her presence. It was Psycho Shannon from the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Radio Show.

As Meredith and Shannon were talking, they decided to actually just go to some random apartment and use their restroom since they were both in dire need to find a somewhat clean bathroom. The duo then set off on a quest to find a bathroom and not get abducted at the same time.

15 minutes later, the girls come back after accomplishing their goal of using a stranger's bathroom and ultimately knocking off a task from their bucket list. The funny thing about their long disappearance was our group became convinced that Shannon had abducted and planned to forcefully marry Meredith. This topic started because Shannon is a well known lesbian and we just thought it would be funny if Meredith left her male fiance for local semi famous lesbian celebrity.

It turns out that waiting for the bathroom was a terrible idea. The whole time we were waiting for the bathroom, the parade had come and gone. The streets were now empty with the exception of trash and drunken people either passing out or puking.

On our way back to the the train to go home, two things happened that I probably will never forget. The first thing that happen was meeting Nicki, a contestant from the most recent Bachelor.

The way we met her was pretty funny and embarrassing. Nicki and her gay entourage would walk around in front of bars and accidentally drop something. When someone would help to pick up whatever the guys dropped, they would say "Hey, isn't that Nicki from the Bachelor". Apparently Nicki and her friends would do this so they could get free drinks or some sort of publicity. I thought it was just embarrassing because she needed that much attention.

I cant say too many bad things about her because she did offer Stephanie and I a shot from her bottle of whatever disgusting licorice drink she had with her. We both took a quick drink from the bottle and Stephanie was convinced that I now have "Bachelor" Herpes since I drank right out of the bottle.

The second most awesome thing I was that day was a guy piss himself and how the crowd reacted toward him. Stephanie and I got into a much shorter and faster line to use the restroom and everyone was in high spirits. Strangers were laughing and talking to each just celebrating the hell out of St. Paddy's Day.

When the drunk guy who would later piss himself got in line, he just seemed like a really happy drunk guy. He was talking and joking with girls and giving guys smart ass, yet extremely funny one liners as he ease dropped into their conversations.

One thing should have tipped us off about exactly how bad he needed to use the bathroom. No matter who he talked to, he kept on saying how he needed to take the worlds biggest piss. A couple of minutes had passed and the drunk guy was now next in line. This was his moment that he had been waiting for for the past 20 minutes or so and he blew it.

While waiting in line, the drunk fellow just couldn't take so much pressure that was building in up in his bladder and just pissed himself right in front of everyone. The sad thing was the the drunk guy who pissed himself realized what he did, lowered his head and walked away in a full state of embarrassment while still peeing himself.

Since everyone saw this, the entire crowd quickly stepped away from him while trying their best to get our their camera phones in order to record this once in a life time experience that probably happened at every corner during the parade.. The second he started to walk away, the bathroom that he was waiting for became available for him. If this guy just held it in for 30 more seconds, he would have saved himself from public shame and humiliation.

After the "Drunk Guy Piss" fiasco, Stephanie and I knew it was time to go. Spending all day outside with thousand of drunken buffoons was enough for us. We met up with the rest of the group and called it a day. One thing I wish I did that day was wear sunscreen. I need to remember that a Ginger with my fare complexion will burn easier, even if it is on a holiday that celebrates drinking and extremely pale people.