The 2011 World Series

I don't know what happened, but The Texas Rangers screwed it up......Again.....For the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW

The Love Train (Old People Doin' It)

So I've been taking the Trinity Railway Express for almost three years and I have never seen anything X-rated on the subway, aside from a drunken lady asleep with her skirt raised a little too high and the occasional high school girl is going to a stripper try out.

For the past couple of days on the way home though, an elderly couple has been asked to stop showing too much Public Display of Affection on the train. Apparently the guy was going to town kissing his (presumably) wife, in plain sight of everyone.

To be fair, all the elderly couple did was make out hardcore like they were in high school and every once in a while they would give each other with a quick feel. A kid of about 8 or 9 was sitting right behind them (eventually his mom got him up and into another section of the car--over his objections; poor woman probably had a lot of questions to answer). People either looked on in shock or moved away but no one said anything to the couple directly.

Their expression of love apparently made someone a little upset because one of the train conductors had to have a conversation with the elderly couple and the TRE's rules on PDA. I don't know who was more embarrassed, the elderly couple or the employee who had to talk about excessive kissing and touching to the elderly couple.

I arrived at a successful conclusion en route to my stop at the Bedford Station while the elderly couple left the reaming passengers in a daze at the Centerpoint Station. Old people just need some good ole fashion train love.

The funny part is this has not been the first time the couple has been in trouble for this. It took me a couple of days to complete this post and since then, the couple has been issued an official warning from the T.R.E. that says if they get caught one more time, they will be fined and/or suspended from the train for an undetermined amount of time.

Well, I guess the T.R.E. not longer stands for Trinity Railway Express. It now stands for The Raunchy Elderlies, but I don't think this level of PDA is anyone's idea of a lovely time.

Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a sore spot for him.

Longtime acquaintances of Ferguson reported that the otherwise amiable 39-year-old gets "a bit touchy" whenever someone makes even the most passing mention of his complete lack of personal and professional accomplishment.

"Ordinarily, he's a pretty okay guy to have around," said Greg Ostrowski, who has known Ferguson since high school. "But you have to be very, very careful if you bring up how he's always come up short at anything he's ever attempted. If you're not extremely delicate in the way you broach how success of any sort has constantly eluded him, he'll get very defensive."

"Honestly, it's often best to avoid that subject altogether," Ostrowski added. "But that's really hard. Mike's fucked up an awful lot. At pretty much everything, really."

Ferguson's particular sensitivity to his lifelong ineptness was reportedly not apparent at first, and friends said they were often caught off guard by the amount of offense he took at the slightest reference to the fact he was totally squandering his time on earth.

"I just remember casually saying something about how he was nearly broke, had never had a relationship that lasted longer than two months, and was still working part-time at his dad's sporting goods store, and he suddenly just bristled," said former roommate Ted McCormick, adding that he initially thought his friend's response was a sarcastic overreaction. "I said, 'Sorry, I didn't realize that was such a big deal to you.' I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that just alluding to the fact he couldn't hack more than a semester and a half of college was going to get under his skin so much?"

McCormick also told reporters Ferguson could benefit from having more of a sense of humor about the four decades of futility that have made his life unbearable.

"Everyone's got that one thing they're a little weird about, including me," said McCormick, admitting that at five-foot-six, he was sometimes sensitive about his height. "But I don't get all testy about it when people make a joke or two. I think if Mike just learned to laugh and not get bent out of shape every time someone makes an offhand remark about how he's essentially blown any chance he'll ever have for happiness, it'd be a lot easier to talk to him."

Added McCormick, "It's already tough enough being friends with a loser like that, you know"

Borrowed from The Onion when this reminded me of one of my own friends

The Heist

Dreams can be a hard thing to understand sometimes. On one hand, dreams can either motivate, enlighten, or inspire you. On the other hand, they can torment, frighten, or just down right scare the living hell out of you. Fortunately for me, the former usually occurs to me and recently gave me to greatest idea ever. I am going to steal the greatest, most priceless object of all time.....Bob Hope's brain.

Now, I know what you are thinking right now. Why would anyone want to steal Bob Hope's brain? The only reason answer for that would be for money and an unlimited amount of Bob Hope jokes. And plus, the guy in a National Treasure as well.

So here is a rundown of my dream, which I am pretty sure will result in a successful robbery in real life.

A few of us were in a horrible dive bar, the type of bar where only the bottom feeders to go to escape their dull existence of a life. One of my friends says that his wife's pimp knows a guy who works at Cedars Sinai medical lab. They're getting a very special delivery a week from this Friday. And that special delivery will be Bob Hope's brain.

Since we took the plan seriously, we did a full weeks worth of recon work in order to prepare for the big heist. We found out the the courier is named Antonio and he delivers at four o'clock on the nose every Friday. Alpha team will be in the elevator with the courier, which will consist of me and Creeper number two team, which will be Lauren and Jimmy, will be positioned in the stairwell at the other end of the hall.

Every member of the team will be equipped with night vision goggles, a police scanner, a two-way radios and a uniform that will consist of camouflage shorts, a black tank top and after-ski boots

With alpha team following from the elevator, number two team will approach from the stairwell, cutting the courier off before he reaches the lab. After a fierce struggle, an intense battle of tug of war, and facing superior numbers and an array of high-tech weapons, such as my dustbuster vacuum that I use as a gun, the courier will have no choice but to comply with our demands.

Now here's the beautiful part. The getaway. Both teams will rappel right down the center of the stairwell, change clothes and walk right out the front door like nothing happened. Well, that is the main goal, but I will probably end up tumbling head-over-heals down the metal steps and turning myself into a bloody mess while the container carrying Bob Hope's brain is busted open and brain fragments are thrown all over the place.

As I try to clean up the mess, and I run out of the building into the middle of the street right into oncoming traffic. In my dream, my Arch Nemeses, Musically Challenged Friend, runs me over with an ambulance and drags my body for about 50 feet. In real life, I plan on getting away with my crime along with the members of my team as well and sell the brain on E-Bay, a collector, or to the guys on Pawn Stars.

The Legend Of Musically Challenged Friend

Musically Challenged Friend and I were travelling through the Emerald Forest, actually it was the Enchanted Emerald Forest to be exact. We found ourselves in the Enchanted Emerald Forest because we were depressed because we have just heard of bunch of shitty music like Len's Steal My Sunshine.

As we were walking and talking through the forest, we past a groove of threes and encountered a dragon. The evil dragon breathing fire and shooting lasers and bright lights from his eyes and exploding trees next to us in order to intimidate us.

MCF and I were screaming for help as loud as we could. She would yell "Please, somebody please help us!?! Will some knight in shining armor come and save us?!?" But there was no knight or any help to be found because it was the Enchanted Emerald Forest and obviously knights in shinning armor cant enter the Enchanted Emerald Forest because of the disfigured trolls that live around the perimeter. The trolls only job is to keep the knights out and bar them from entering this special forest.

And as everyone knows, the Enchanted Emerald Forest is mainly for mythical characters such as your fairies, sprites, your creatures of the night or whatever you want to call them.

But as MCF and I were trying to escape, the dragon sat upon upon us and said "I will eat your souls". And you know, obviously we were very scared for our lives and that is when MCF took action.

MCF yelled "Kevin, don't worry, I will take care of this". So she jumped on her unicorn, where the unicorn was this whole time is a mystery to me, and rode up to the dragon to its most vulnerable spot, its heart.

The heart is the most vulnerable spot because it has not heart my friends. "Oh no, really" is what you may be asking yourself, but it is true, dragons are fucking heartless.

So MCF grabbed a branch off the tree and as she rode in closer to the dragon beast, she triumphantly screamed, "A foul upon thy dragon" and the stabbed the dragon in the area where the heart should be. The dragon's soul then escaped from the wound and vanished forever.

And that is how Musically Challenged Friend saved my life. And to this day, we haven't talked about those events that memorable day. You may not notice it, but MCF has a fake left leg.

As she fatally wounded the dragon, her unicorn was killed by a hiding Gypsy who happened to to be the dragon's right hand man. As the unicorn died, its horn flew off and tore off Musically Challenged Friend's left leg..

She refused to see the doctor because she did not want any medical records to exist about your heroic deed. The only thing that helps her deal with the pain in to ridicule anyone who listens to pussy rock such as Air Supply, Goo Goo Dolls, or, according to her, anything else that sucks donkey dick.

She is a True American Hero.

The Power Of Ties

I use to think that ties were the bane of my existence, now I have a sneaky feeling that they may not be that bad at all.

For the first two and a half years at my current job, I never wore a tie. I hated ties. They always got in the way, they were uncomfortable, and they always posed as a chocking hazard when I took my mid afternoon naps. Trust me, you never want to interrupt me during one of my naps Those may have been the best tie-free two and a half years of my professional career. Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with one my VPs at work and I wore a tie in order to give a good professional impression. As we discussed my career path and growth within the company, he said it would be a good idea to always wear a tie to work from now on. In other words, he told me to wear a tie everyday in a friendly, polite manner.

Ever since that day, I have been wearing a tie to work. The most intriguing part of the new clothing accessory are the reactions that people give me. Some people thought I received a promotion, while others thought I had an important meeting, or they would say things to me like this little gem:

"That's a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said but you know, the fact that you're wearing a tie, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would."

I now know that I have finally started to climb that corporate ladder to success. My parents are finally proud of me.

The Musically Challenged Friend Fund

You have never seen a place like this have you? But everyday, people like my Musically Challenged Friend will go to mp3 sites to find non pussy rock music like Marilyn Manson, The Ramones, Stevie Wonder, and anything that doesn't resemble Coldplay. MCF does this hoping not to get sucked into shitty 3 day music festivals with dancing, shoeless hippies.

But when you look out here, you could think "What do I have in common with Musically Challenged Friend with a strong distaste for pussy rock, MCF is not like me at all?" You couldn't be more wrong. Like you, MCF knows what real pussy rock is, which festivals are actually worth going to, and like you, kind of always wanted to go to a festival. But MCF doesn't know what good music taste is like, because MCF never had one.

How would you like to give Musically Challenged Friend a break. Go to the phone and call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund. Give one Musically Challenged Friend a break.

Your 80 cents a day means that Musically Challenged Friend can pay for decent songs that don't suck, which means she might be cured from diseases that will allow MCF to be tolerant of different types of music. And doctors can administer these cures with a shot of Blink 182 or a Arcade Fire pill.

More than 30,000 kids were bored to death because of non tolerance of different types of music. Call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund and we will send you a picture of a child like Musically Challenged Friend. We will tell you what recent festival she went to, a little about her music taste and how they improved. There is no obligation, but in your life, if anyone has ever given you a break when you needed one, then call Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund and give it back to a musical festival-less, non tolerant pussy rock person.

For only 80 cents a day, call now. Children's Musically Challenged Friend Fund is America's oldest and most trusted Tolerance for Music Children's Musically Challenged Friend Charity because so much of you money goes right where it belongs: sending that certain Musically Challenged Friend to a 3 day music festival where they belong.

The Lying Game

I was recently introduced to an hour long drama that is on ABC Family called "The Lying Game" and it has now become my new secret shame thanks to my musically challenged friend.

Here is a quick synopsis of what the show is all about:

Set in Phoenix, Arizona, the series is about Emma, a foster child who finds out she has an identical twin sister, Sutton. Both girls were separated at birth with Sutton being adopted by wealthy parents and is seemingly living an ideal life. Meeting prior to the pilot episode, Sutton talks Emma into stepping into her life for a few days while she pursues their birth mother in Los Angeles. Initially excited to do this favor for her sister, Emma soon learns that Sutton has many hidden secrets. Now, Emma must continue to cover as Sutton while Sutton continues her search for their birth mother.

This show has horribly awesome written all over it. We all know what type of show it is. Crappy acting, cheesy lines, and in some strange reason, you cant take your eyes off of it. ABC Family has made the best version of a horrible car accident for teens.

A couple of things that I find amusing about the show is that no one knows that the twins have switched places with the exception of one person. Not even the girls' family or friends seem to know that they are hanging out with a complete stranger now.

I also like how every episode ends with a strange, yet entertaining cliff hanger. Either one of the girls gets kidnapped, one father thinks about killing his daughter's friend because he may have overheard a phone conversation about the twins' mother, or the twins and their high school friends nailing each others boyfriends/house squatter/enemies/friends/frenemies/ballet teachers.

The crazy thing is that ABC Family adapted this tv show from a novel, which is also called The Lying Game. I may or may have not read the first 2 books in the four book series, but they novels are crazy. Instead of twins trying to find their mother, one of the twins is murdered and the other twin takes her place in order to find out who killed her sister. People are trying to kill each other, parents are beating up their kids, and there is a ton of backstabbing. It is truly a guilty pleasure and embarrassing purchase when someone in their late twenties has to go to the "teen" section of Barnes and Noble in order to find the last copy in the store.

The show comes on every Monday at 7 on ABC Family and it is extremely addicting to watch so be careful because you may want to start secretly watching it every week.

The Music Blues

People seem to be under the impression that I know what I'm doing when it comes to music. I'd like to think that's fairly true, but as of late I've stumbled upon what I like to call a music void. It's a slump when nothing seems all that great. Happens to the best of us from time to time and while it's happening it seems endless. You know that feeling when you've bought an album or heard a song and are stunned by how much you like it...it just might be the greatest piece that's ever been piped through your headphones. Good grief, what could be better?

As terrific as that feeling is, as uplifting and energizing, not being able to recapture it for an extended period of time feels a little like watching the battery die on my cell phone, to me. It's red and blinking and I'm scrambling for the charger but it's no where to be found. We're goin' down. There are different types of voids, like that bleak period in the mid to late 90's where I was quite sure music had peaked and was very quickly dying as an art form. Anyone who had similar thoughts of doom, though probably realizes that the void wasn't their fault and they weren't just being moody or picky. At the moment I really don't believe that's the case right now, thankfully. It's Lost in the Desert Syndrome. Where to go from here without wasting time and how to get back to that album that rivals sliced cheese in greatness. Maybe it's got to do with getting to the point where there are too many similar-sounding bands saturating a genre. Indie is in and every other band is in youth-sized vintage t-shirts or short sleeved plaid button-ups.

So, I 've got no magic advice. These slumps have the tendency to end themselves when the person in said slump stops trying so hard to find the way out and in the proccess only gets disillusioned by the crap they hear on the way. When in doubt dust off an old favorite. It'll happen