Drive Thru Death

A funeral parlor in California opened up a drive-thru visitation lane this week. Since I love drive-thrus let me state THIS IS AWESOME.

Paying your respects has never been so disrespectful, or convenient. No more watch-gazing. No more bumming Percocet off of widows. No more, "Oh, doesn't she look natural" while you're standing over a silly putty sculpture that used to be your grandmother. Just drive by, flip off your cousin's dead body and head straight for the club.

Just like you, I hate funerals. I know some people see them as a celebration of life, but I tend to associate them more with death. It seems like birthday gatherings, the ones where everybody gets drunk and swaps wives, celebrate life more properly. After all, what commemorates life more than creating a new one with your neighbor's spouse?

At a funeral, there is too much crying and ill-fitting clothes. I have a suit that I bought 20 pounds ago, yet I shoehorn myself in it every time someone I know kicks it. Loved ones think I am crying because "Tommy" died, leaving a wife and two sons, but I'm really springing saltwater because an aggressive seam has my balls in the 10-2 split.

I will find any excuse to get out of visitation. I've told people that I'm under psychiatric orders not to attend funerals, because the last one I went to, I lost it and worked the corpse like a marionette, making it apologize to everyone for dying. It works about half the time.

I really hate open caskets. I grew up Catholic, and our kind looks for any reason to stick a prop rod in the casket. Doesn't matter how much bodily damage has occurred, the Catholics will hold a nice viewing to help you "accept the death." No thanks. I accepted the death when I read about the standoff in the paper the next day. I don't need to actually see the SWAT team's handiwork. Plus, as a kid, all this viewing of dead bodies was traumatic for me.

"Doesn't Brother Petey look good, lil' Kevy? You'd never know he was in the water for six days."

I don't know why they exposed me to that, but I do know that 6 years of age is way too young to learn about the circle of marine life.

In our fast-paced culture, drive-thru visitation helps our lives by giving us more time to live them. I think this concept is genius, and can even be improved upon.

1. Combine the drive-thru visitation with actual fast-food service. In an age of co-branding and 15-minute lunch breaks, this works.

"I'd like to let the Johnsons know I am thinking of them in this time of sorrow. Also, I'll have the No. 2 with cheese and a fried pie. Oh, and do you still have the chili-cheese tots? Because the funeral home down the street still has them."

2. Maybe have a stoplight beside the casket allowing only five seconds per car. This will ease traffic congestion and cut down on the amount of time one is obligated to spend in overt displays of mourning.

3. Install a still camera, like the ones at tollbooths designed to catch cheaters, or the ones on roller coasters designed to catch nip slips. The reason for this is that it documents for the family that you were actually there. Plus, you can smear your makeup ahead of time to look like you were completely sobbing at the proper moment, when in reality you were actually blasting some Katy Perry or bouncing to Jay-Z.

Just don't bounce too hard. Hard to explain the funeral nip slip.