Crazy Impromptu Pub Crawl

Have you ever participated in an impromptu pub crawl with a friend because the two of you had absolutely nothing to do that day. Both participants had very high hopes of how the day was going to go only to be crushed and mortified mere minutes into the first pub that had to go to multiple places to drink just to forget about how crappy the first stop was. Well that happened to Paul and I yesterday.

I had nothing to do yesterday and neither did Paul since his wife was gone on an all day/night bachelorette party. So Paul and I decided that an impromptu pub crawl would be the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Our first visit was going to be a Hooters like restaurant that neither of us have been to called the Tilted Kilt. We should have stayed clear of this place entirely.

First of all, I know this sounds like a small thing, but in retrospective, it is actually big mistake in the restaurant industry. When Paul and I walked in, a hostess was no where to be in sight. After waiting for at least 5 minutes, Paul and I went and seated ourselves where we were then introduced to "Lane".

Lane had to be the world's worst actress turned waitress turned annoying person. She reminded me of that extremely annoying waiter from Office Space. Right off the bat, she started to ask us if we wanted food or anything to eat (which a waitress should do), when we told her that we just seated ourselves because there was no hostess, she just gave us a blank stare and said that was weird in some strange Irish accent.

After she took our drink order, she asked us what we wanted to eat. When we told her our order, she thought it would be cool to sway us to have what we ordered the way she wanted it. And an exact quote from this girl was "oh, don't get the cheddar cheese, get it provolone instead because that would then be a fucking good idea".

Paul and I shot each other a weird look because we honestly didn't know if she said "fucking" or not. I kind of felt like I was dancing at a wedding while the Dan Band was playing Total Eclipse of the Heart.

I then ordered a grill chicken club sandwich with no tomato. Lane then told me how much she hated tomatoes and she doesn't understand what type of person would like tomatoes in the first place. She finished her 2 minute rant hatred for tomatoes rant after I told her that I am allergic to tomatoes. Big mistake. She then told me how tomatoes are literally my enemy and then she said some other bull sh*t that made no sense at all whatsoever.

Now, I know this may sound like me just complaining, but here comes the weird sh*t that she started to talk about.

While already received our drink order and now waiting for our food, Lane started to talk about her family situation that was completely unsolicited. She decided just to sit down and tell us how she grew up in the dangerous part of East Irving while her Marine dad was never around.

She also talked about how her dad, when she did get a chance to see him, taught her how to use various types of knives for whatever situation. This kind of freaked me out because she showed no display of humor or laughter at all.

Lane quickly left after stating that "when you stab someone, you should turn the knife so the wound wont close". Again, pretty damn creepy. She gave us our meals that we ordered and asked if everything was to our liking, as any waiter/waitress should do, she started to talk about how she is a hermaphrodite.

Now, I am no stranger to crazy conversations, but I have never been involved in a hermaphrodite conversation. Lane went on by saying that she has to shove her junk back so it wont show in her uniform, which is a short skirt and white shirt.

If you look to the right, because I am sure that you already have, you will see an example of what the girls wear at the Tilted Kilt. Now I am pretty sure that they call it the Tilted Kilt because all of the girls are very curvy and not have a huge set of balls that they have to tuck back with a huge fucking sock. The last statement was an exact quote from the memorable Lane.

After gloating that she so big that she fills up an entire tube sock, the table the right of us left and she looked at what her tip is going to be. This is now her Oscar moment.

I am more than sure that Lane does this every time she gets a bill when she has multiple tables at once. Lane looked at her tip and then let out the most fake/depressing sigh and I have ever heard in my life. She then tried to look like a sad 3 year old who was just told that they could not have ice cream for dinner. Lane complained how they gave her an extremely small tip considering how hard she had worked. My guess is that they didn't tip her because they were tired of her dick talk like we were.

Even though we weren't there that long and complained about it a lot, Paul and I were thinking that whatever she said next could not top her previous statement. She fooled us pretty good because everything she said just made us forget what she said moments before.

Paul and I quickly got our separate checks and got the hell out of there. In order to forget the strangeness that just went to down, we decided that there was only one thing to do: Go drink at Bone Daddy's.

Bone Daddy's is the the same as Hooters and Twin Peaks. Well-endowed girls with some possible daddy issues and no crazy hermaphrodites. After several drinks in big ass glass with a normal (and hot) waitress, it was time for the next stop. And that stop is obviously a strip club. Just joking, we went to Fridays. Once the Friday's trip was done, Boj joined us and we got some food at Arlington Steak House, home of the yellow gravy and king of heart attacks.

I have never eaten at this fabulous restaurant (no sarcasm), and it was awesome. For 8 bucks, I got 2 large pieces of chicken fried steak, 2 sides, and a shit ton of gravy and rolls. I am pretty sure by eating this meal that I just took 3 years of use off of my heart. But it was worth every bite.

After leaving the steak house in a chicken fried steak/yellow gravy drunken haze, our final destination was going to be Ozzie's. What is Ozzie's you might ask? It is one hell of a dive bar named after Lee Harvey Oswald. We made that our last stop because Saturdays are $2 Texas Beer Night. And when it is $2 Texas Beer Night, you have to enjoy this rare occurrence that only happens once a week. After a beer a piece there, it was time to and call it day and prepare for a night of dominoes with the rest of the group.