Lost

After 6 years of building questions and mythology, my favorite show has finally ended. I have been put through the wringer of theological metaphors, are-they-good-or-bad character judgments and some pretty freaking ridiculous diversions here and there. As much as the show's creators like to say it's all about the characters, the show shot to success thanks to the geekery it exuded. Fans hoping that the diversions and random Easter egg moments that peppered the show's existence would be all wrapped up like a nice little present in the finale are surely drowning themselves in Dharma beer today. Why, you ask? Well, mostly because, in the long run, nearly nothing about the vast and numerous intricacies of the Island -- the show's most important and omnipresent character -- were answered.

Remember the four-toed statue? What about the temple? That pool that revived Sayid from the dead? And yes, who can forget the polar bear cameo appearance way back in season one? Those all went to the wayside as the show came to an end. We were told that Jacob, Jack and others had to protect the Island, but we never really learned why. Yes, the illuminated cave (which, if you ask me, is a cheap rip of the 'Pulp Fiction' briefcase) represented the good of man ... so why was it held together by a hieroglyphic-strewn stone carrot that Desmond and Jack could easily unplug? This Island is protecting the human race from evil, and the only thing holding it together is a glorified wine cork? What was it about the Island that made it so damn special? What was Richard Alpert's role? That's what I wanted to know.

When it was announced that the finale had been bumped from two hours long to two-and-a-half, I thought to myself: "Excellent, they're tacking on 30 minutes so that they can really get to the bottom of things." 'Lost' generally never upset with major episodes. The pilot of the series is probably the most enthralling opener of any series to ever be broadcast, and nearly every season finale or opener has delivered, no questions asked. This time, not so much. While the extended episode wasn't entirely wasted, it certainly could have been managed more efficiently.

For instance ... how did Vincent the (adorable) dog suddenly come back into the storyline, nuzzling up against an about-to-die Jack? Sure, it was touching and emotional, but why? Where was WAAAAAALT? Early on in the show, Walt and his animal-whisperer mystique made him seem like he'd be an important player -- if not The One -- in the show's grand scheme. Forget that. Also, who the heck is watching Aaron and Jin and Sun's baby? Oh, and that minor plot point about that thing called the Dharma Initiative -- what was that about, ultimately? Farraday cracked the time travel conundrum? Great... let's move on. What did it all mean?

Well, now nothing, because the show is over and those questions weren't important enough to answer.

Now, on to the good. The fight between Jack and Locke was pretty flawless, beginning almost as an homage to old kung fu movies, complete with a long-distance stare down and Jack seemingly flying to deliver the first blow. It seemed as though Jack was a goner after taking a gnarly stab wound, but Kate -- who in the past episode made it clear she was hellbent on killing Locke -- came through with the shot heard 'round the 'Lost' world.

I also loved the remembrance-via-touch illuminations that all of the characters had in the flash-sideways segments. Sawyer and Juliet were downright tear-inducing (despite the corny snack machine metaphor) in their connection, and if you didn't feel that, then you should probably check your pulse. No matter what type of strained chemistry Jack and Kate had, the Sawyer-Juliet romantic arc always rang true, and their reborn chemistry was one of the finer moments of the finale. Seeing them back together along with Charlie and Claire tugged on the lovey-dovey heartstrings of everyone watching, and it was done perfectly: It was blunt, quick and passionate.
Another highlight was the redemption of Ben Linus. Through the course of the series, Michael Emerson nailed the role so well that actors for generations to come looking to play manipulative/creepy/diabolical characters will study his work as Ben Linus. Ben did nothing but connive, murder and backstab during his time with the Oceanic 815 crew, so to have him turn to the good side at the end -- while I and likely everyone else were waiting for him to kill everyone in glorious fashion (which would have been pretty fantastic) -- was a nice, unexpected touch, and it turned one of the greatest villains in television history into a hero.

Now, on to the end ... which is what everyone will remember the finale for. Jack has always felt he was living in the shadow of his dad. In fact, nearly everyone on the show had some sort of mommy or daddy issues, but Jack's rocked him to the core. He was a good dude, but his bad dad's legacy was too much for him to overcome. So, with the passing-of-the-torch scene in the church at the end, when Christian tells Jack that his entire life was essentially a test and that he passed, redemption rang throughout the 'Lost' world. The show, it turns out, was essentially all about Jack and his struggle to find salvation. Everyone else was simply a tool or supporting character in 'Jack' ... sorry, 'Lost.' And, like a poetic bookend, the show ended with Jack's eye closing, six years after it began with his eye opening. We should've known all along.

So, while Jack found his path and everyone was reunited in a pseudo-Heaven, 'Lost' adorers around the world were forced to make a decision: Did I want lots of answers, or did I want the overriding theme of the show (finding the good in man) and its main character (Jack) to succeed? On the balance scale of television expectations, that's a call for every viewer to weigh. If you ask me, though, throwing the answer-seekers a bone in lieu of the hokey all-faiths religious redemption wouldn't have been a bad thing.

Crazy Impromptu Pub Crawl

Have you ever participated in an impromptu pub crawl with a friend because the two of you had absolutely nothing to do that day. Both participants had very high hopes of how the day was going to go only to be crushed and mortified mere minutes into the first pub that had to go to multiple places to drink just to forget about how crappy the first stop was. Well that happened to Paul and I yesterday.

I had nothing to do yesterday and neither did Paul since his wife was gone on an all day/night bachelorette party. So Paul and I decided that an impromptu pub crawl would be the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Our first visit was going to be a Hooters like restaurant that neither of us have been to called the Tilted Kilt. We should have stayed clear of this place entirely.

First of all, I know this sounds like a small thing, but in retrospective, it is actually big mistake in the restaurant industry. When Paul and I walked in, a hostess was no where to be in sight. After waiting for at least 5 minutes, Paul and I went and seated ourselves where we were then introduced to "Lane".

Lane had to be the world's worst actress turned waitress turned annoying person. She reminded me of that extremely annoying waiter from Office Space. Right off the bat, she started to ask us if we wanted food or anything to eat (which a waitress should do), when we told her that we just seated ourselves because there was no hostess, she just gave us a blank stare and said that was weird in some strange Irish accent.

After she took our drink order, she asked us what we wanted to eat. When we told her our order, she thought it would be cool to sway us to have what we ordered the way she wanted it. And an exact quote from this girl was "oh, don't get the cheddar cheese, get it provolone instead because that would then be a fucking good idea".

Paul and I shot each other a weird look because we honestly didn't know if she said "fucking" or not. I kind of felt like I was dancing at a wedding while the Dan Band was playing Total Eclipse of the Heart.

I then ordered a grill chicken club sandwich with no tomato. Lane then told me how much she hated tomatoes and she doesn't understand what type of person would like tomatoes in the first place. She finished her 2 minute rant hatred for tomatoes rant after I told her that I am allergic to tomatoes. Big mistake. She then told me how tomatoes are literally my enemy and then she said some other bull sh*t that made no sense at all whatsoever.

Now, I know this may sound like me just complaining, but here comes the weird sh*t that she started to talk about.

While already received our drink order and now waiting for our food, Lane started to talk about her family situation that was completely unsolicited. She decided just to sit down and tell us how she grew up in the dangerous part of East Irving while her Marine dad was never around.

She also talked about how her dad, when she did get a chance to see him, taught her how to use various types of knives for whatever situation. This kind of freaked me out because she showed no display of humor or laughter at all.

Lane quickly left after stating that "when you stab someone, you should turn the knife so the wound wont close". Again, pretty damn creepy. She gave us our meals that we ordered and asked if everything was to our liking, as any waiter/waitress should do, she started to talk about how she is a hermaphrodite.

Now, I am no stranger to crazy conversations, but I have never been involved in a hermaphrodite conversation. Lane went on by saying that she has to shove her junk back so it wont show in her uniform, which is a short skirt and white shirt.

If you look to the right, because I am sure that you already have, you will see an example of what the girls wear at the Tilted Kilt. Now I am pretty sure that they call it the Tilted Kilt because all of the girls are very curvy and not have a huge set of balls that they have to tuck back with a huge fucking sock. The last statement was an exact quote from the memorable Lane.

After gloating that she so big that she fills up an entire tube sock, the table the right of us left and she looked at what her tip is going to be. This is now her Oscar moment.

I am more than sure that Lane does this every time she gets a bill when she has multiple tables at once. Lane looked at her tip and then let out the most fake/depressing sigh and I have ever heard in my life. She then tried to look like a sad 3 year old who was just told that they could not have ice cream for dinner. Lane complained how they gave her an extremely small tip considering how hard she had worked. My guess is that they didn't tip her because they were tired of her dick talk like we were.

Even though we weren't there that long and complained about it a lot, Paul and I were thinking that whatever she said next could not top her previous statement. She fooled us pretty good because everything she said just made us forget what she said moments before.

Paul and I quickly got our separate checks and got the hell out of there. In order to forget the strangeness that just went to down, we decided that there was only one thing to do: Go drink at Bone Daddy's.

Bone Daddy's is the the same as Hooters and Twin Peaks. Well-endowed girls with some possible daddy issues and no crazy hermaphrodites. After several drinks in big ass glass with a normal (and hot) waitress, it was time for the next stop. And that stop is obviously a strip club. Just joking, we went to Fridays. Once the Friday's trip was done, Boj joined us and we got some food at Arlington Steak House, home of the yellow gravy and king of heart attacks.

I have never eaten at this fabulous restaurant (no sarcasm), and it was awesome. For 8 bucks, I got 2 large pieces of chicken fried steak, 2 sides, and a shit ton of gravy and rolls. I am pretty sure by eating this meal that I just took 3 years of use off of my heart. But it was worth every bite.

After leaving the steak house in a chicken fried steak/yellow gravy drunken haze, our final destination was going to be Ozzie's. What is Ozzie's you might ask? It is one hell of a dive bar named after Lee Harvey Oswald. We made that our last stop because Saturdays are $2 Texas Beer Night. And when it is $2 Texas Beer Night, you have to enjoy this rare occurrence that only happens once a week. After a beer a piece there, it was time to and call it day and prepare for a night of dominoes with the rest of the group.

Conan O'Brien - Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour

Everything's bigger in Texas - including the energy! Our first Texas crowd of the tour blew us away with love... And we did our best to show Dallas a good time by inviting some friends onto the stage to help us out! Who did we manage to surprise our audience with?

Well. I'm glad you asked.

First off, we had legendary blues guitarist (and Dallas native) JIMMIE VAUGHAN come out and do a couple of jams!! Here he is from soundcheck:

I am a huge, huuuuuuge blues fan, so I was completely starstruck all day! He's like the nicest dude EVER. Conan was talking to him at dinner, and asked him if he had ever played the McFarlin Auditorium before tonight, and he said yeah - when he was fifteen and opened for Jimi Hendrix!! JIMI HENDRIX, DUDES. HOLY MOSES. So great. Jimmie's The Man. (Both Jimmie and Jimi, actually)

As if having a musical legend wasn't enough awesomeness for one show, we hit the audience AGAIN with ANOTHER legend... This time from the world of basketball

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. That's the center for the Dallas Mavericks - NBA superstar DIRK NOWITZKI!!! (Next to him is our Prop Guru Rommel... Aka "The Hat". Aka "Oddjob 2". Aka "Awesome dudebro to hang with"). THANK YOU to both Dirk and Jimmie for making tonight's show so great!

It was a fantastic, blowout show. We all had a wonderful time in Dallas - both tonight, and for the past day and a half hanging out - and we're sad to leave! But leave we must. It wouldn't be a tour if we didn't keep moving. Also, we can't let the law catch up to Conan; he's wanted in 17 states for a string of misdemeanors. (He had a rough couple of years in his teens when he tried his hand at grifting).

Conan and the group preformed for 2 spectacular hours before leaving for his next tour stop in Austin where we will continue breaking hearts and making farts! See you on the flipside, party people! YEEEEEEEEHAW! (Again)

2nd Annual ShedFest

It is the first full weekend of May and it only means one thing, time for Shed Fest. And Shed Fest is a time for grilling all types of food, kegs and coolers full of beer, home-made Sangria, and random games of washers and dominoes.

The origin behind the name of Shed Fest dates back a couple of years but it is so dirty and perverse that I really don't want to write about it on this. All I know is that if eVite says we can not make an invitation with our original idea with Shed Fest's true name, then I probably shouldn't write it on a public forum. Seriously, there is a good chance that I will either become President of the United States or a seedy underground company that is being profiled in any type of Bond movie and I don't want this to hurt my chances of reaching that goal. Plus my mom would be really pissed off at me.

The annual party was held and Paul and Katie's house again this year, mainly because he has a shed and no one could throw a Bench Fest (that party disbanded a few years ago). I got there an hour early to help set up (someone has to make sure the beer isn't poisonous).

It only took a couple of minutes to set up both of the grills, the keg, and the 2 canopy tents. Once that was completed, it was time to enjoy the party and wait for people to show up. It was also time to grill.

Since it is a BBQ, P and K had tons of hamburgers and hot dogs for the masses to eat. I made some pretty damn good pineapple shrimp on the grill as well. I don't want to beep my own horn, but beep beep, that shrimp was pretty damn awesome. I don't even know how many different types of desserts there were, but they were all equally great. I cant even remember the last time i had a rice crispy treat, but you have to have a margarita in order to fully enjoy them.

This year's Shed Fest seemed to be more family orientated because a vast number of our friends started to have kids. It seemed to be a playground for the little ones during the day and then quickly turned into an adult daycare at night.

The party did seem to take a break around 10:30 because everyone wanted to see the highly advertised SNL episode hosted by Betty White. It was actually a pretty good episode with tons of sexual innuendo, that is just the way I like my Betty White to be.

It soon became 2 am and the the party has been going on for a full 12 hours (minus the mandatory Betty White break, but it was worth it) and it was time for me to go. I had to be home at least by 5 am so I could get a couple of hours of sleep before all of the Mother's Day celebrations.

By far, the best thing I learned from this years Shed Fest was the Matt's way of drinking in only 3 easy steps. The are as the following: Step 1 drink 1 beer, Step 2 take a shot of tequila, Step 3 drink 2 glasses of water and repeat each step.

Happy Mothers Day

Hey Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! If you are reading this, then you probably already received the awesome 2 dozen tulips and card I sent you. Also, you probably had a blast having lunch at Daddy Jacks (which is an awesome seafood restaurant) and had a mimosa or 6 (I am glad I was driving) and I even paid for it. Damn, I must be one awesome son. Well, now it is time to go have dinner with you and Dad. I smell breakfast for dinner, so dad must be cooking dinner tonight.

Kevin

Only 3 Episodes of Lost Left...

.....and this s**t is getting crazy good. If you don't watch this show, then you should be hit in the head with a roofing hammer because you are a retard.

Texas Frightmare Weekend 2010

Where does one person go in order to meet B-movie stars and "has beens"? To Texas Frightmare weekend of course! And if you got that question wrong, that means you probably have some sort of life outside of a comic book store or a movie theatre.

Texas Frightmare Weekend is a Horror Movie Convention where people can purchase anything related to horror movies and met celebrities as well. The second year I went, I was able to met Alice Cooper, i was definitely not worthy, and got a picture and autograph of him.

I am personally not a hardcore fan of the horror genre, but it is fun to attend the convention. The main reason why i go is to obviously meet famous people, get their autograph, take a picture with them, and then tell everyone that I am close friends with them after saving one of their loved one's lives in a class 5 hurricane.

This year's convention was their 5th year anniversary, so they brought back some of the fan's favorite guests like Sid Haig (The Devils Rejects), Margot Kidder (Superman), and John Carpenter (Director of Halloween and The Fog).

When the convention portion closes, everyone (including the b-list celebrities) goes to the hotel bar and just hang out with each other. It is pretty fun to watch how some celebrities act when they have too much to drink.

Overall, it was fun but since I have met the majority of the people that have already met, I wasn't too excited about it this year. But it was fun, mainly because I am in their documentary about last years convention. So that is a count of 2 documentaries for me. Be jealous and start to ask for my autograph.